a bukowski poem i’d never read until on the way home from work tonight

The History Of One Tough Motherfucker
- Charles Bukowski

he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and
a white cross-eyed tailless cat
I took him in and fed him and he stayed
grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway
and ran him over
I took what was left to a vet who said,”not much
chance…give him these pills…his backbone
is crushed, but is was crushed before and somehow
mended, if he lives he’ll never walk, look at
these x-rays, he’s been shot, look here, the pellets
are still there…also, he once had a tail, somebody
cut it off…”
I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the
hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom
floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn’t eat, he
wouldn’t touch the water, I dipped my finger into it
and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn’t go any-
where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to
him and gently touched him and he looked back at
me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went
by he made his first move
dragging himself forward by his front legs
(the rear ones wouldn’t work)
he made it to the litter box
crawled over and in,
it was like the trumpet of possible victory
blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I
related to that cat-I’d had it bad, not that
bad but bad enough
one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and
just looked at me.
“you can make it,” I said to him.
he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally
he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the
rear legs just didn’t want to do it and he fell again, rested,
then got up.
you know the rest: now he’s better than ever, cross-eyed
almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in
his eyes never left…
and now sometimes I’m interviewed, they want to hear about
life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed,
shot, runover de-tailed cat and I say,”look, look
at this!”
but they don’t understand, they say something like,”you
say you’ve been influenced by Celine?”
“no,” I hold the cat up,”by what happens, by
things like this, by this, by this!”
I shake the cat, hold him up in
the smoky and drunken light, he’s relaxed he knows…
it’s then that the interviews end
although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures
later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo-
graphed together.
he too knows it’s bullshit but that somehow it all helps.

I’ve been up and down, I’ve been all around. I was mystified, almost terrified. But late at night I still hear you call my name. I’ve been counted out, I’ve had fear and doubt. I’ve been starry eyed, never satisfied. Cause late at night I still need you just the same.

It’s the first day in over 3 weeks I’ve woken up without a cough. I thought it would never end. Now the last guy at the office who hasn’t been sick is. I feel for him. 

Much to do this weekend. I wasn’t expecting the long distance detour that put me off course on New Years. Now I can rebound physically and mentally. 

Whiskey is looking mighty fine. 

New Years Eve I was wondering why these images began to pop up on my feed from Minna a native of Finland now living in Sweden. I had’t taken any of her calls in 2018 because I had absolutely nothing to share that was positive. Besides she’s been married. After a few drinks and as she had been obviously indulging as well and being I had nothing better to do I agreed to take her call which went on for hours into the new year. The news, she’s divorced. 

With Minna 1984 Mt Wood Overlook Wheeling WV in my red leather jacket and pomp hair when I tried to model myself off of one of my favorite bands the Romantics.

Now I’ve got to write this thing in reverse this weekend. I’ve been too sick but to do anything but work and post images and news bits. I spent both days last weekend shopping and doing laundry which took being out in the cold which didn’t really help things much. Try to find a small container of sugar free or fat free hazelnut creamer in this city is pointless. Do people drink that like milk? Then it was back to work and it’s been m’fing COLD with some COLD RAIN. Work is very busy for me right now. I couldn’t be happier but at the days end I’m mentally drained. This may very well be the most challenging office gig I’ve ever had. Mark gets back Sunday so I have a lot to get done before that. 

 Saturday morning: was in bed till 9AM and stripped my bed of blankets and comforter and prepared it for a trip to the laundromat. It felt good to sleep in. I had taken too much Melatonin and it made me itchy. On top of that 150 mg of an OTC but by 11P I realized I needed to take my final Ambien. Then it was off to lala land. 

As I sat there w/ my first cup of coffee I looked up at the wall that needed some touching up. The cracks were bugging me. 2 min into the project I opened a can of worms I wished I had left as is. It was too late. It tuned into a very large project. Now I’m waiting for it to dry so I can put pictures and books back into their place Te clean up was almost as hard as the project itself. Go figure. This house is non stop work and its becoming too much. Its never fucking ending. 

More to come….

Montrose Beach and Montrose Harbor Jan 2019

“Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles – a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other – that kept me going.”

― Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary

I’m mean and I’m dirty, like none you’ve ever seen. Bad habits drip like honey, no tongue can lick me clean. I’m not of royal blood, I’ve never been discreet. I’ve been damned, I’ve been cursed, I’ve been guilty and accused. I spit the hangman in his face and hung him on his noose. Habitual threat, I got you in my claws. Gonna tan your hide, rip the flesh off your bones. Look me in the eye, and you’re gonna turn to stone. You’re gonna turn to stone.

My new years resolution for 2019 is to succeed, again and piss off the the haters in the process. 

Thank you to the few who have been there for me. You know who you are because this past year you’ve really gone out of your way. 

And for those who didn’t have the time… enjoy the show. You’re gonna hate it. 

Loading up phase III.

I’m almost human, can’t help feelin’ strange. The moon is out, I think I’m gonna change. You’re so smooth and tender, a living, breathing dream. I’ve got to have you, baby, I’m listenin’ for your scream.

I woke to this yesterday and as sick as I’ve been (physically) I smiled. 3 of my favorite people. Micheal X Christian, Emily Sifirit  and Nick Huffman all cheating on me.

There’s almost nothing that annoys me more than when the morning news people start talking about a rock band and actually say on live TV or radio something that is so completely wrong.

This morning on Ch 32 the weatherman and the hosts were talking about the rumors of Michael Anthony possibly reuniting w/ Van Halen in 2019 and the Meteorologist Mike Caplan commented that he didn’t think it’d happen since Eddie van Halen stated years ago he’d never perform w/ Dave again. Duh, they did an an album and tour, just not with Michael Anthony. Get on the clock man. The reunion w/ DLR was in 2007 and A Different Kind of Truth came out in 2012.


Black Friday 2013  Deena Lynn shared a memory

!!! Found it!!! 🤗♥️
Memories of take your Tequila in these “to-go” cups and get out of our bar!!! 

“Regret is mostly caused by not having done anything.” ― Charles Bukowski

if you feel alive in a darkened room do you know the name of your solitude if you ain’t got the answer if you don’t know the truth if you want the power then let it flow through

I have lots to write here and should hammer it out tonight after work. Fighting off a cold that began with a sore throat last Friday and trying to get some much needed rest. Nothing like waking up at 7AM in a nice hotel and not being able to fall back to sleep. Next stop, Indianapolis. 

UPDATE 12/20/2018 837PM

I will get time to update the past weekend and the amazing performances of two of the the very best acts I’ve seen all year. I’ve bee fighting a severe cold all week, struggling to get through work, getting things done after, dealing with my cats demanding cry for attention due to severe and dramatic separation anxiety and to top it off cleaning the fucking haus. I have to pack for Indianapolis tomorrow night and get up at 5AM Saturday, but I WILL update this section and add captions when I get home and before I pack. I’ve had not only the best BBQ in years but also witnessed the most original performance I’ve seen in over a decade and it was a tribute band and I loathe tribute bands

Be back tomorrow. – az

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

—Charles Bukowski, Women

I got home after a long work day and after trips to target in Evanston and Alta Vista Foods and Walgreens when I walked into the doors of the structure, built in 1898, that houses Casa Diablo and found a box waiting for me sent from Christy Nealon of Denver CO. It was a hot sauce making kit and very thoughtful as well as timely.

Ironically timely because Xtine Brown just sent me her logo concepts for her food line Bell Yard Bakery.

At 8PM I dropped Ambien and at 10PM another to insure I go solid uninterrupted sleep. I locked the cats of of my bedroom and put the heating fan at face level. My sore throat from yesterday is mostly subsided. 

It was cold and 7AM and I was at the laundromat and I figured I’d be home before 9am and I’d have 2 hrs to get a lot done before Emily was scheduled to arrive at 11AM. It was hard to believe I hadn’t seen her since that dreadful Sunday morning in March of 2017 the day after an event that would forever change my life on social media and prove once and for all who my friends really were. Emily is one  of those and I’ve missed her. But as rough as the next 8 months would be for me nothing prepared me for 2018 which would prove to be the roughest year of my life and a struggle from the onset.

Once home I was so bust with stuff around the house by the time she sent me a text at 1050 I had not even put my jeans on yet. I hauled my bags down the stairs, went outside and she was perfectly on time. She has to be in town anyway to measure some people for clothes she was making. We spent the entire drive to Bradly IL catching up. For the first time in over a year I actually had really good things to share with her. It went by quickly and before I knew it we were parking outside of the Looney Bin where we were going for some fine BBQ from Bulls BBQ.


Then he got religion and she got a god. It’s on her back and it’s in his job. And it costs lots of money, honey- oh, no. Breakdown nearly every day. Shoulda known- couldn’t get away. Got lucky with the girl next door. She was lonely and didn’t care. She was young, she was dark, she was fair. Wrapped herself around you with her stare. You’d explode if she would touch you there, touch you there, touch you there.

Yesterday marked another year alive on earth and things are going well enough and I’m happy to be working and doing the work that I enjoy. It’s after 7PM the day after as I type this and am still feeling the love as posts are still coming on Facebook and there are well over 100 wishes, many with personal messages that are heartfelt and some very funny. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel great because it does and it’s just what I needed. Especially from those well established in the music business. I needed it more than I could ever say. 

Below are a few of my favorites.

She’s got the sun and the moon in a velvet glove. Showers of diamonds fall from high above. She’s a vicious queen. She’s a little girl. I know she’s a cornerstone of the underworld.

Clint Eastwood Esquire Magazine interview quote Summer 2016

That’s the kiss-ass generation we’re in right now. We’re really in a pussy generation. Everybody’s walking on eggshells. We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren’t called racist. And then when I did Gran Torino, even my associate said, “This is a really good script, but it’s politically incorrect.” And I said, “Good. Let me read it tonight.” The next morning, I came in and I threw it on his desk and I said, “We’re starting this immediately.”

ESQ: What is the “pussy generation”?

CE: All these people that say, “Oh, you can’t do that, and you can’t do this, and you can’t say that.” I guess it’s just the times

I am heading for Chicago tomorrow to celebrate the continued existence of a great friend and human being, Alex Zander! Alex has done so much for so many people expecting nothing in return. The world continues to be a better place thanks to the positive contributions of such a generous soul! Happy Birthday Alex and Best Wishes Always!

– Dale Patrick Bennett December 6 at 8:34 AM

Dale arrived later than he planned Friday as he sat in rush hour traffic going toward the city on a Friday during holiday shopping season. He was not happy to say the least but as Dale does, remained even tempered. He didn’t rant till the next morning when we journeyed up to Evanston. We brought a few loads of goods up the back stairs and then walked over to El Palmar, a rite of passage, for a late dinner. My Queso Funditio would stretch out through Sunday as I got 3 meals from the damned beast and even a mid slumber snack. 

We got back to the house and I poured a glass of Templeton Rye that he brought for me, my first drink in a quite a long time and I opened the cards and gifts he and Anne put together for my birthday. We sat up till after 130AM chatting and watching Norm MacDonald YouTube collections. I hadn’t been up this late in months. 

A used 1970 copy of Cohen’s 1969 collection from Dale.

Dale studies a diner menu

Saturday Dale was aching to get out on the road and start shopping. I kinda wanted to chill and enjoy my coffee, Evanston would be there. To his dismay we didn’t get out of the house till between 1030 and 11. He had his things by the door ready to go.

We took the scenic route by way of his Garmin tt Western which was a long process. I wonder it I took a taxi to work if that’s the way they’d go? Dale had a list of shops and antique stores he wanted to see. The first stop was Goodwill which was unkempt and kinda disheveled in comparison to the stores I see in Iowa which are organized more like actual markets.

Afterwards we hit an antique store and I found some more 1972 Nixon for President pins and Dale did some Xmas shopping. We were both very hungry so we went to eat lunch at Golden Olympic Restaurant 1608 Chicago Ave, Evanston, IL which I spied on my way to the office one morning earlier in the week. It was really good and I’m gonna have to pop in there more often before work. Then we hit a handful of other stores that Dale had on his list and before we split I stopped into  the very impressive and even more expensive Vintage Vinyl Records 925 Davis St, Evanston, IL. It was very cool but highly priced. It’s the only store I’ve ever seen with a Kim Fowley section. For those who don’t don’t Kim and I were friends for years up until his death in 2015. There were maybe 5 of his LP’s and for me to purchase them would have been around $250. one was priced at $75.All I can say is that if what they charge is what vinyl is worth I’ sitting on a goldmine of a collection I began to build around 1978.

The Sherman Plaza – Barnes & Noble just may be the best B&N I’ve ever been to and a block away is Market Fresh Books 700 Church St, Evanston, IL that I pass everyday going to and from work. I’m going to have to go back there when I have some more time as it’s a virtual book enthusiasts mecca.  Market Fresh Books has an eclectic but expansive selection of books.  If you look closely, you can find some incredible gems that get glossed over.  Books are priced by the pound, which is equally charming and cost-effective. 

I came home and was exhausted. I wanted to take a nap but was too antsy and began craving ice cream so we ventured back into the cold and I made the mistake of taking Dale ice cream shopping which is an old story. That guy can spend 20 minutes in the ice cream section of a grocery store and luckily we just went to Walgreens. 

Dale left for the Velvet Acid Christ concert around 730 and I watched a little TV took some Ambien and went into a much needed slumber. We had coffee Sunday morning and he was on the road by 1030AM. All in all it was a very nice visit from the best friend a human could ask for. 

Anny the watercat watching us from Casa Diablo as we walked to Walgreens

The last of the Queso Fundito with “the good stuff”.