AZ’s “DIARY OF A DAMNED MAN” » 2008

December 31, 2008

Sometimes it’s in the stars

Today’s Horoscope for Sagittarius

If you have been buzzing around like a busy bee, you may be too worn out to fully enjoy the evening’s festivities. Nevertheless, you won’t say “no” to the party. And once you are there, you forget how tired you were earlier. Sharing ideas and talking about your goals is an ideal evening for you Archers, but now you are more likely to also talk about your feelings. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with those you trust is a great way to usher in the new year.

December 29, 2008

BAH HUMBUG!

The bender ended yesterday. My misery over the Holiday stretch is nearly at an end. I’m back at work which is good for me, it beats brooding and besides I would rather make money than not. Just call me Scrooge.

Christmas Eve I was able to pick up a few items and prep them for Holly. I drank myself to sleep and woke up and got a few things together before heading over to Brett’s Blackout Party aka Christmas w/ the Jew. She really went all out, and I took her some champagne and a bottle of mead. Then I passed out at some point on her sofa and woke to find everyone gone. I was lost so I walked north to Lawrence and discovered I was in Jefferson Park, but took the wrong bus. Aghhhh. So after waiting in the cold I finally waved down a cab and made it home.

Ed, Brett, and AZ

Oh what to do? NOTHING ON TV as usual. Holly was coming home from Michigan and would pop in for a drink and her gifts.

I saw her very briefly that day. Seems she liked the gifts I bestowed. Gifts for someone that has everything so I got her a few things that I knew she’d get use out of and were practical. I also finally wrote a song to her. It was my only copy. I think I recall the gist of it though. Something happened and she forgot the items I had for her so she returned the next day very very briefly.

This would be that last I’d see of her for awhile. She’s now in Africa, and I’m really hoping we pick back up where we’ve left off.

So I drank myself into a stupor walked over to Holiday Club, called Brian, he joined me, and it was dead in there. We hopped bars all over the Chicagos northside. NOTHING was alive. It was a real sign of the times. We started at Holiday Club, cabbed to Ranalli’s on Clark, walked over to Ravens and then to Mickeys, took a cab back up to The Spot, walked over to Driftwood, and ended up back at Holiday Club. A Saturday night and we didn’t run into anymore than 5 people per establishment. Better of drinking at home.

So with an outing proving to be a failure thanks to the state of economics, I went home and drunk dialed some more.

I think back to when I DJ’d in town from 98-03 and never do I recall a Holiday weekend being so light on bar traffice. Pathetic.

I finished the last of the vodka Sun morning, picked up a six pack of domestic brew and stewed. Nothing on TV again. No point in socializing nobody is out. So I just waited till I was tired enough to fall asleep. And I waited and waited and finally 930 came around an I took an Ambien, and after 2 Twilight Zone episodes and an Alfred Hitchcock thriller, it was after midnight, so I took another, and at 230 I decided hell with it and took 2 OTC sleeping pills to no avail.

In between all of that I got the weekly 4:30 phone call from my brother. Our grandfather is pretty bad off at this point, suffering dementia, and altzeimers. I was asked to prepare to come in for a funeral soon. Though he was not my grandfather by blood, he was by marriage and to me was everything a grandfather would be as well as a father figure, a great father figure for me since I was 5. With the exception of the time I spent in Texas after finding my mother at 18, and the Sundays I was required to work, I spent every single Sunday of my life from 5 years old up to my 20’s. I still visited occasionally till the distance grew too far. He taught me to work hard, and that good english and manners were crucial. He also had an obsession with me eating. My brother told me I should be happy of the memories of a good man that has now lost all dignity. His, my grandmother wife had a stroke some years ago and is in a chair and requires help with the smallest of tasks. I lost my other grandmother this past fall. I guess I need to accept that it’s that time.

Grandpa was in a Hospice last week and now in a nursing home. My brother is having the hardest time of his life.

My mother passed in Oct 2004, his sister my Aunt Jeannie in 2001. Over the years I’ve lost a lot of friends as well. But when you don’t live a typical life and do not have typical friends, people pass in untypical ways. The mainstrean definition of typical is what I refer to. That which is accepted by the mainstream, the “normal” people.

5 AM though the alarm had not gone off I decided to stop trying to make myself fall back to sleep. There’s a lot weighing in my head and heart right now. Insomnia is a BITCH.

I was very happy to get up and prepare for another short work week.

Holly sent me a text at 3:17 am CST, she’s in Africa but her luggage got lost in Amsterdam. Figures. I had an email from her as well which I assume was sent around the same time. I do not think that she’s getting my replies but she knows how to reach me if need be.

Off again at 1 PM on Wednesday, and Steve Penz is picking me up to go to a party in Lockport. Thereafter the long overdue cleansing process will begin, at least till Katrina gets here a few weeks after.

Right now it’s about keep busy at work, and writing and a little re arranging of the house. I guess I should have said a LOT of REARRANGING!

Finally Kudos to mi amigo Dave the Metal Pimp! He is now engaged to his love Kristina. We’ll toast that in w/ the New Year.

Kountdown to Hurricane Katrina

and you’d miss her too……

December 24, 2008

UPDATED….regarding friends and distances

“Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.”

- Henry David Thoreau

I know the feeling. Yesterday I got a massive box in the mail, a Fex Ex from Baton Rouge LA with a wonderful letter inside from a really good friend of 10 years who values my friendship, and he wanted to show his sincere appreciation for me being a true friend, during a difficult year.

And I do hear him loud and clear. 2008 was a rotten year overall, and though meeting someone later in the year who also shared the same feelings regarding 2008 made it better than it would have been without her, being that she’s travelling afar for the next month plus, doesn’t exactly for me close the year with any more happiness. Though I am happy she’s in my life. I will certainly miss her. My feelings run more deep for this one than I am accustomed to.

And I did get to go on my first Mississippi River Boat trip which eclipsed all of the things that went sour this year.

My best friends as it would be at this time in my life, all live at a distance. Mich Ganshert and his gang are all in Green Co. WI. Chris Curry and Jeff Brown are in Indy. Mark is in Baton Rouge, Bob H is way out in Montgomery IL now, and Steve and Dave as well as their ladies are all the way out in Lockport. Of course there’s Mike Blackley on Indy’s southside burb of Southport who has his hands full with a family and his own business, and I really need to get down there and see him as well.

And my brother, last but not at all least is in the middle of Ohio and dealing with his own crisis.

My friends from work, well, being that a once very strong company that enjoyed it’s biggest success in 2007, is hurting due to this current state of the economy. The people I called my friends here have either been given leave, or left on their own. And as far as my research team, I am the last man standing. Even the person that replaced my boss who hired me, started a year after I can on board, 3 1/2 years ago.

A few of my friends, this season, they all gave me gifts that involve cooking. Mich’s fam a wonderful grill utensils kit, my co - workers and amazing New Orleans/Cajun Cookbook. Holly made me and incredible chair that I’m sure I will eat from at some point. NOBODY ELSE GETS TO SIT IN IT. It’s a stunning and original piece of art! In all when you look at it, when good friends present gifts like these, they are from people that know you, deep down and inside out.

From Baton Rouge, LA, Mark Williams, my very good friend, a southern gent, and accomplished musician, and international salesman for a global recording manufacturer, sent me this massive box which included more than everything I’d need to cook a feast of friends a massive Cajun/Creole style dinner for a lengthy weekend! A caring gift, from a caring and good hearted friend.
So without having to revisit the opening of this post: I’ll close by saying at this time of year for me the Thoreau quotes rings truer than ever. Thanks Alex

Das Booty!

8 OZ Slap Ya Mama Cajun Seasoning

8 OZ Tony Chachers Original Creole Seasoning

6 pack Zatarain’s Crawfish Shrimp & Crab Boil

12 OZ Zatarain’s NOLA Style Jambalya Mix

2.75 OZ Tony Chachere’s Creole Etouffee Mix

1 Pecan Pie

1 2OZ bottle Loisiana Gold Tabasco Pepper Sauce

16 OZ Spicy Green Beans South Louisiana Style

28 OZ Cafe Du Monde Beignet Mix and

1 LB Medium Dark Whole Bean Creole Coffee

Though I was offered the day off, I did work today, with 2 admin till noon and 2 bosses came in at noon and I left at 1 and went to the county courthouse to file some tax papers regarding AZ ULTRA Productions. The deed was quick but at the same time unpleasant as the people employed by the city, state and county governement act as though when you come to file paperwork that you are harassing them. They are RUDE and they are MEAN. I wanted to just get home and change, but that wouldn’t be so easy.

I was downtown in Chicago on Christmas Eve. Ever see “Trains, Plane and Automobiles”? There is a reason whay that was shot in Chicago.

As it were my trip home was not to be that simple, as I turned it into an afternoon treading around in the slush and snowy mess that is Chicago, till I got home then naturally, the temp dropped.

I went out only to buy a gift bag for HER and a card for my landlords. And as I was out I recalled an email I got on Monday telling me I should do something nice for myself. Then I went to buy earrings, and three books I’ve been wanting badly as of late. It wasn’t not an easy task. And I recalled, I needed to get some booze since everything would close for the next few days. I mean, what is a guy that spend Xmas alone supposed to do?

One really great thing really did emerge of my efforts, and fight against the masses that be. I wrote my best Leonard Cohenesque piece of writing, ever. It was a gallant attempt as I have suffered writers block for months when it comes to songs, emotional songs. My heroes are just too damned good.

I imagined that raspy baritone vox, and his desperation, inspiration, sheer adoration and his admiration in his emotion in regards to the woman or women he’s loved. I put myself in those shoes, in that mode and at my dining room table it just flowed out of the pen. Hence, yes I did do something nice for myself, though it is in regards to someone else.

- az Christmas Eve day 2008

on my way to work Xmas Eve 2008 715 am

my office building approx 720 am Xmas Eve 2008

looking south on Michigan Ave before heading into work 720 am Xmas Eve 2008

as cold and bleak and grey as I am feeling

December 16, 2008

12/25 NEW IMAGES ADDED, NEW WORDS TOMORROW !!!! NEW GLARUS Dec. 12 - 15 2008

Last year I began a new tradition of spending my birthdays at my own personal Winter Wunderland, New Glarus, WI. And it’s proved to be a worthy decision as I just returned from my second annual birthday weekend in NG, with Holly and meeting up w/ the family I adopted in 08 the Gansherts.

As I add text I’ll also be adding more of the photo evidence.

The Three Amigos or Three Stooges

Mich Ganshert, AZ and Joe Ganshert.

As I’ve mentioned MANY times in the past, I’ve been going to New Glarus since 1999. The first several years it was by bicycle via the 46 mile round trip from Broadhead on the Sugar River trail. It only left a few hours to enjoy the town before the long ride back to camp through the forest. Over the last 5 years I’ve been going there by car and as of Dec 2007 began turning my trips to NG into extended weekends. The place and the people are just that fascinating.

It has only been the last 2 Decembers that I’ve decided to spend a getaway there for my birthday. And this year I was very much looking forward to it as not only was I taking Holly, but over the last year I’ve built a friendship w/ Mike Ganshert and his family. Mich is better known as the Irish Piper www.irishpiper.net .

Friday Dec 12 I was poised to exit work at 1 PM and head out onto the 146 mile jaunt to New Glarus, WI. And Holly picked me up on Michigan Ave right at 1 PM and I took the when and we headed off to make only one stop to pick up Sechler’s Pickles www.sechlerspickles.com and Kahlua that we would provide as gifts to our friends.

Traffic on the expressway was moving surprisingly well until after we stopped in Marengo for a restroom break and a quick bite to eat. When we got back onto the toll road, traffic was bumper to bumper and we lost in all about an hour of driving time. But we kept ourselves amused by playing disc 2 of Andrew Dice Clays “The Day The Laughter Died” which was something new for Holly and it kept her in stitches as we laughed all the way through the NW tollway traffic jam.

The Day the Laughter Died is a comedy double album by comedian Andrew Dice Clay, which was released in 1990. It was produced by renowned record producer, Rick Rubin. Rubin’s concept was to record an unadvertised performance in a small club, with a small crowd, many of which would not particularly be fans of Clay’s act. Clay chose a New York club, owned by legendary comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, “Dangerfield’s”, as well as to record during the holiday season to increase the likelihood of their desired outcome.

Too many toll booths and about 4 hours later we arrived at the Landhaus Chalet in New Glarus and checked into our beautiful 2 room suite.

www.chaletlandhaus.com

I had once again secured the Taste and Tour Weekend Package and upgraded it to a whirlpool suite. Something that in the winter time is very nice especially if you like a nice warm pool or a relaxing sit in a hot tub on a cold December day.

Taste and Tour Weekend - $215.00 plus tax and gratuity
Two nights lodging in a deluxe room
10% off dinner both evenings
Hot Breakfast Buffet for two both mornings
6-pack assortment of New Glarus Brewery beer in your room upon arrival
Two Chalet Landhaus/New Glarus Brewing Co. pint glasses
Tour and tasting at the New Glarus Brewing Company

When we got unloaded and into the room we had a beer and Holly wasted NO TIME in getting to the cheese. DAMMIT! A 6’1 Dutch Mouse this woman. This would be something that about 30 hours later would come back to haunt me.

After a quick drink we stooped at Roy’s Market 600 State Road 69 and stocked the trunk full of booze for the weekend that include 4 litres of New Glarus Belguim Ale a 1/5 of tequila and a handle of vodka. We had not had a good drunk together since Halloween and we were ready to make up for lost time. And damned if we would not.

We headed up the snowy hill to the New Glarus Hotel www.newglarushotel.com which hasn’t operated as a hotel in the years I’ve been going there and this is where we planned to eat. And the party would begin.

As I did a U –Turn halfway up the hill to grab parking I made a joke referring to Mich poking fun of my habit of “sleeping w/ one foot up in the air” and I parked, let Holly out and grabbed for a kiss in the middle of the street. Then we heard laughter. It was The Piper. Like he was hiding in the shadows to begin messing w/ us. And it was a great way to kick off the weekend.

We entered the hotel and Stephanie the hostess saw me and make a face like “Oh god not again” I told her we had missed her and her reply was “I heard… Courtney was working.” Holly was convinced, yes she has ruined my reputation in New Glarus.

We were seated and ordered our typical round, Holly: Kettle One on the rocks, AZ: a double shot of tequila on the rocks and a Spotted Cow pint. And we both had the buffet. Ironically the chef saw me and came out and told me he had tasted the salmon to make sure it would meet my standards before serving it. Though it may have just him being nice and complete bullshit, it was a nice gesture on his part and I appreciated it.

My appetite for food was giving way to my appetite for fun, so Holly and I went into the bar to which we affectionately refer to as “the red bar” and found a table in the very crowded room and began tossing drinks down our holes. We were the about an hour, BACK! GET IT !?!?! And called Mich to let him know we were ready to play.
Mich arrived with his father Joe and wife Stef and we all had a couple rounds and got to introduce Holly to Mich’s better halves. After about a half an hour, BACK GET IT !?!?!?! we closed our tabs and made our way over to Toffler’s www.tofflers.com .

It was very cold out and Mich suggested that we drive over, so we did. And the pub was rockin’! I mean to the tune of Duece by KISS which I’ve NEVER heard played in a bar before. Turns out the bartender has amazing taste in rock n roll. Mich and his gang came in another door and Joe asked me if he could try on my hat, and when I put it on his head he threw a crazy birthday hat on my head. It felt like whatever nerf balls are made from. Holly and Stef were deep in conversation and Joe, Mich and I were goofing off and laughing getting pictures and Mich was introducing me to his friends. I brought in a gift I had received from my team at work which was an incredible hardback William Sonoma New Orleans/Cajun cookbook. Joe spent about ½ and hour to an hour BACK ! GET IT !?!?!?! reading over the book. Then when he was done he turned his attention to Holly. At one point into the evening he grabbed her ass and laughed saying he couldn’t help it. And he’s about the only person that wouldn’t have offended me by doing that, and Holly, she laughed it off as well.

Mich and his family gave me a gift which was a beautiful grilling kit. Yeah, I think my good friends know how much I love to cook.

A lady named Aleta Dvork was also celebrating her birthday and we took a couple pix and the last I saw of the hat she had it on. And around midnight or so since we still had some energy we thought we’d head back to the suite and enjoy our Jacuzzi. So we said our goodbyes and made plans for the next day and politely made our exit.

Back at the ranch bottles were opening and bubbles in the tub were rising as we lost track of time. I do know we were in the tub for a long time, and I recall Holly getting wrinkled old ladies hands. Mine were barely. Sometime a few hours later we retired to the oversized bed.

Theses are a few of my favorite things

Swiss fried chicken, NG Spotted Cow and tequila on the rocks.

We awoke up around 530 AM not sure what time we had fallen asleep. Actually I woke her and we made a couple cocktails. The pool would open at 6 and we planned to get breakfast and a swim in before meeting at Mich’s house for Bloody Mary’s (no fish sauce please) and to head out to Hollandale to the Nick Englebert house.

Prior to heading down to the restaurant we filled our pint glasses with vodka and ice. Walked down and got a table. We added cranberry juice to the liquor and ate a hearty breakfast. Naturally I took pictures of the food.

Back up to the room and a quick change into our swimsuits and bathrobes which had to be hilarious to anyone that saw us. I was wearing snakeskin boots and a Hustler robe and Holly had on my Batman robe and we both went to the pool. Luckily nobody else was around. It was nice and warm and clean. The wall length windows on 3 sides of the walls all showed the snow and cold of what was outside. It was nice. Really nice.

I got out of the pool to have some of my drink which was in a glass, and not supposed to be in the pool area. Holly was doing laps so fast her top came down and her fun-bags were showing in all their DD glory. I was yelling, “Holly, your _____ are falling out!” but she was swimming so hard and fast she couldn’t hear me. So I captured it on film. Afterwards she joined me in the hot tub and we got a couple pix and relaxed before returning upstairs. The morning was ending though I seemed like we did so much already.

Showering etc and finishing a couple more drinks we dressed and drove to Mich’s haus. We joined Stef downstairs and Mich began making Bloody Mary’s. He had also been preparing some of what would be for dinner later that night. Holly was going over some of the photos from the night before and the Piper and I did shots. Somehow I had accidentally switched drinks w/ Holly and drank one with fish sauce. ICK! In about ¾ of an hour, BACK ! GET IT ?!?!?! we were loaded into Mich’s truck and off to the Nick Englebert House our cameras in tow.

Mich had contacted the curator and they had the drive plowed and left a door unlocked for us to browse and investigate this wonder at out leisure.

- more to come

Alex and Holly

When Irish Guys Are Smiling!!!!!!!

Alex and Aleta Dvorak

Both 12/12 Birthdays

Holly and Stef

Holly and AZ @ the Nick Humperdink Haus

The Nick Engelbert Haus

An organ grinder, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Swiss patriots, a viking in a boat – this motley group welcomes visitors to Grandview, a home outside of Hollandale, Wis., where an artist’s imagination came alive in concrete creations embedded with stones, shells and pieces of glass.

Born in the Austro-Hungarian Empire in 1881, Nick Engelbert immigrated to the United States and became a dairy farmer. The self-taught artist began adding his whimsical works to his yard while recovering from a sprained ankle in the 1930s. By the 1950s, he had created a landscape depicting more than 40 scenes from history, myth and his imagination – enhanced by flowers planted by his wife, Katherine.

The site’s menagerie grew to include an elephant, lion and monkeys. The organ grinder collects donations – a sight inspired by Engelbert’s memory of the grinders he saw in Europe as a child. The artist’s origins also show through in his house, which he built to resemble a European cottage with a Gothic arch. It, too, is covered with concrete embedded with rocks, shells and glass.

The attraction today
These days, not all of Engelbert’s original work remains. The site went into disrepair after his death in 1962, and today, only five dwarfs accompany the lawn’s concrete Snow White, not seven. An ax and a seal of Wisconsin, both located inside the house, are all that’s left from a Paul Bunyan statue.

In 1991, Grandview was purchased by the Kohler Foundation, a private organization that supports arts and education in Wisconsin.

The foundation provided documents on restoring the deteriorated sculptures, and the people of Hollandale helped save the home and farm. The small town, with a population of just 280, not only maintained the site, they were also able to turn it into a center for art education.

The Chili that I’m extremely proud of that I made about 1 week prior to the trip

The “last” supper at Holly’s I made halibut and some other seafood for her when she wasn’t well. The last thing I cooked for her.

AZ and Joe up to no good

Holly and Steff get a few laughs of their own

The next time will not be soon enough

Must have been after he grabbed her butt

You can just tell there’s going to be fun to be had.

Aleta again, in birthday hat. See ya next year!

He sneaks one in

in the basement of the Englebert Haus

W/ Kyna and her father Mich at the Sportsman Bar

She even Holly’s the rooms we rent

En route to the pool w/ drink in hand, a Hustler Hardcore sine ‘74 robe and snakeskin boots

Holly does laps before her top falls down

Love in the tub

December 11, 2008

Winter Solstice 08

There’s a full moon coming out tonight.

Time to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

to be continued…………….

December 9, 2008

ON MY BRAIN

How the hell am I supposed to work this week when I know that something I’m been looking forward to for months is just a few days away? FUCK! I think about the food, the drinks, the places and the people of this lil town I came across 9 years ago.

I’m about to spend my second birthday in New Glarus. I did it last year and there’s no way I could ever go back to hosting Alc O Holiday. And I do not even miss the work, the tireless hours of promotion and hosting that night of debaucary when I can get away to a cozy 2 room suite in a Swiss Lodge and stumble the hilly snow coated streets of one of my favorite US towns.

An my guest, my companion for the weekend will surely prove to be the most sensible choice to embark on what is sure to be a laughter full, fun filled adventure.

All I need to complete my mission is to find some crazy guy who an play bagpipes while drunk?

Chill the booze and break out the cheese !

! NEKKUFSSA !

December 8, 2008

Alex Zander goes to Church !

It never fails that no matter what I laugh my ass of silly whenever I’m with Holly. Everything is hilarious. That’s just the way it is and the way I like it. Yesterday was no exception in the least.
After a night of unsuccessfully trying to get some decent customer service at a local grocer, we only met with the intellectually and mentally handicapped or those that just couldn’t seem to perform their simplest of jobs. Which we could only laugh in the utmost show of our dissatisfaction and lack of respect for these breathing walking talking tokens of human waste. We arrived at Holly lovely flat for a few more laughs at Bad Santa outtakes and another of Kevin Smiths. We were preparing dinner, together and sipping on cocktails. Only one bummer other than Miss E’s physical pains for which she had seen a doc in regards to, which was a beautiful moving film titled the Constant Gardner, which we still managed to get a few laughs in afterwards prior to retiring. I slept like a fucking rock according to my beautiful companion for the night.

Of course it was to be a typical Sunday morning with 3 or so hours of cocktails before heading off to church. YES, you read me correctly, CHURCH!

Now before you jump to conclusions and think that I’ve abandoned you, darks ones, please allow me a moment for me to set this up.
Holly had asked if I could help load into a show she had in Evanston Sunday due to the pain she had been in. Now, knowing that in itself what kind of person would I have been to deny such a request? It was a simple plan, I’d load in and get the train home. Easy enough, well it would seem wouldn’t it.

We had been drinking for close to 3 hours and having a nice morning and sharing, as I mentioned, laughs. I sat on her sofa clad in my thermal underwear and a long sleeved HUSTLER shirt. It was comfy. It also made her laugh. And it no time we were dressed, mildly buzzed and in the cold in a car packed to the hilt with merch and off to the church.
The event, Alternative Gift Fair, was at the Lake Street church of Evanston.

It was just a hop jump and a skip and we were parked out front. But one problem, I was wearing the Hustler shirt, with a HUSTLER Hardcore Since 74 hoodie under my winter coat. We walked into the church were met with some help to find the place was already jam packed with people. I helped set up as Holly parked her wagon and figured fuck it, and took off my jacket to help. Within minutes I decided I would stay. And I’m happy I did.
With a little dumb luck the scarf I was wearing more or less partially hid the word HUSTLER by some miracle.

In a nutshell it was a pretty good time, Holly did quite well and I’ve found that I’ve learned her product well enough that I am able to help contribute to some of the sales. And I am sure it didn’t hurt that I had been wearing one of the scarves which she had picked for me weeks before. So the scarf came in handy in two ways.
The people that worked the church were all very nice and the people supporting the fair by shopping were as equally interesting. I can’t think of anything else I’d have rather been doing that helping Holly out at this thing.

We wrapped up at about 330 and drove back to her pad for a bite and a few cocktails as she entered her financial information into her companies records. Again, it was just fucking laughter as always and I got a few early birthday greetings on my phone. ) a girl called me titty fucker in one message.) I waited for my brother to make his weekly call and gave up so we drove to my place which after parking the car Holly offered to buy us margaritas at El Palmar. And it was as we were driving on Clark en route to our destination that my brother called. And the conversation spilled into the street and into our table at El Palmar. The conversation ended with me laughing hysterically. And I was in public. My face streamed with tears. So with that said I ended the conversation.
Walking back home after about a little over an hour of nursing our drinkage it was getting close to that time to nurse Alex. But we’d decided to finish watching the Johnny Depp movie BLOW. Another depressing movie after the previous nights offering of The Constant Gardner. Thus prompting us to vow that the next few movies we’d watch be comedies.

It was an early night, we cleaned up and Holly fell fast asleep but no before spilling her drink in my bed….again. Talk about the wet spot!
I checked my email, got a picture of Katrinas new tat and by midnight was out cold next to my sleeping beauty. It was a school night and I had 2 meetings the next morning.

Sitting on the CTA on a cold Chicago Monday morning commute, I thought about the previous day and a half, and to myself, felt the inner laughter coming on.
Do I have any regrets? No fucking way.

Next installment. Alex and Holly return to New Glarus WI for a birthday to end all birthdays.
Fuck you we’ll be drunk.

December 4, 2008

Fucking Sleepless

I spent 4 hours this evening making 20 cups of Filipino Sinigang in a massive pot. I have it perfect now, and it wanted to cry out loud when the pork loin finally broke apart on it’s own. There’s a satisfaction to recreating such a great and tangy dish. I’m happy with it, though I am adding another head of cabbage tomorrow.

Yeah, where can a guy get a head of cabbage at 1115 PM on a mid week night, and a cold and snowy night at that?

Dammit, 2 Ambien and nothing is going to knock this fucking insomnia out. For about a month I didn’t even need it.

One thing I do know is I’m not going to Vega$ this Jan. Unless MM twists my are REALLY hard.

Speaking of Vega$, my friend Katrina and her krew are dropping in for a Zander filled weekend mid January. I cannot even imagine what a good time that will be. I’ll have to make sure there are lots of pix as I’m sure there will be a lot to not recall.

The crazy ass posted the following to me on myspace a couple weeks ago:

“Can’t wait to pass out face down in a pool of my own blood, urine and puke on your kitchen floor.”

Now isn’t that the sickest thing you’ve ever wanted to read. Fuck, I think I smiled the first time all day.

There was another death in my family. My cousin wrote to me from Guam about it. There person that passed had created a place for us to go every summer from the time I can remember. It’s where I learned to swim, and boat and catch frogs. All of my cousins gathered there at least once a year from all over. In fact the last time I saw most of my family was there. I still have dreams about that place.

My cousin has been on a role writing today. It’s nice. I guess one of our other cousins, lil Kimmy, saw a pic of Kayl and I at the aforementioned place and commented “OH MY GAWD!”

It was also the last place I saw Kimmy back in 1992 till she flew here to visit and see Ministry w/ me last May.

Talk about full circle.

I guess I’ll give the pot a stir and lay in bed watching a narrative and try to sleep.

“So close your eyes and fall asleep, maybe in your dreams is where you’ll keep,

memories of a day gone past, and of a lover whose love, shall forever last.” - az 1984

December 3, 2008

Drunks, Demons and Diluted Dreams (Thanksgiving 2008)

12/3/2008

Your perceptions are acute and your vision is strong now, encouraging you to believe that what you see is the ultimate truth. - Today’s Horoscope for Sagittarius

And a few weeks ago I was told I should listen to my dreams. And last night I was swimming in very vivid dreams and my dreams were giving me an insight that I’ve maybe failed to see w/ my eyes open.

“My mind was drunk w/ poisonous wines and dreadful lies.” az 1/26/1983

Joey Ramone - Spirit In My House

I got a spirit in my house and I know it ain’t no mouse
I got a spirit in my house
In my house, in my house, in my house
Oh no

I got demons in my house and I know it ain’t no mouse
I got demons in my house
In my house, in my house, in my house
Spirit in my house (2x)

I got demons in my head and I should have stayed in bed
I got demons in my head
In my head, in my head, in my head

My heliday weekend was that exactly. The day before thanksgiving I was enjoying a no holds barred free for all of ‘do as thou please’, perfect in every way, day. Tooled around at Leona’s on a weird and cold Chicago afternoon, made a pit stop or 2, bought a shirt that I heard that someone wanted, ran into an old friend at Hop Leaf and shared 3 beers, a record so far at that pub, and I delivered the shirt to the person I thought would appreciate it. So far, so good eh?

Thanksgiving Day. Then the sickness really came on. And it hung on for days even as I tried to fight it.

Holly was off to her home in Michigan.

Thanksgiving sucked for lack of a better word. Hell I didn’t even feel like drinking through this one. As if I hadn’t been alone in more years than I can count, this year I really FELT alone.

There were less calls than ever, checking in, the ‘how are you, or what are you doing?’ calls I’m accustomed to. Which actually carry more than less sting.

By afternoon I dragged myself back out to the cold and walked the vacant streets to the local grocers where I stocked up on supplies for my “Feast of Friends” on Saturday. I picked up a box of Sangria for myself so I could sip on that a bit and scan the cable channels to see what was not on. Fucking football and parades, YAY!

So I got through and with the help of an Ambien tablet and a glass of cold sangria fell asleep in my oversized recliner.

But hey, I had a great weekend to look forward to. I had a great party Saturday night w/ some of my best of friends, an interview w/ old friend Ogre and his concert where we’d be joined by Jolene Siana author of “Go Ask Ogre” who flew in from NYC, Alex, from Austin TX and it had all the makings of making up for Thanksgiving and it’s Eve! To top it off a rock n roll reading was scheduled for Monday in Lincoln Square by Jolene and Chris Connolly.

Finally on Friday Holly came back, and came by,we have some drinks, snacks and watch a movie. I’m feeling ill but not really showing signs and honestly was still not content w/ Wednesday nights aftermath. Then came a dumb debate over me not watching a movie that wasn’t even in my apartment, and though I knew it wasn’t available, onDemand, though she inisted accusing me of trying to get out of it, I looked anyway in order to satisfy her notion and justify my own. And besides, we were both intoxicated, at this point there was no way, as I TRIED to explain that I could not understand or appreciate another movie. It took 9 months and 3 attempts before I could watch Hot Fuzz, and I’ve owned it. And I just got through it last week after work. But when stubborn bulls knock horns, neither one gets very far.

Drunken Dumb Drama.

We go back to her flat that night.

Saturday morning I really felt like hell, and I did the dreaded walk of shame to the red lines pain train to commute home. I took no money, no gloves, no essentials. And I dragged myself into my home got a shower and tried to pull it together to go to the store for more of that nights supplies. Yes, it was Saturday and in about 6 hours my friends would be here.

So as sick as I felt, and out of loyalty I walked back to the grocer got the last of the supplies, cleans house, set up and waited. Waited and the sick creeped up through my toes, up my legs spreading to my torso, down my arms and finally to my head.

But being a fighter, I should be able to pull this one off, right. Or maybe I should have used the word survivor.

I turned down the lights, nursed a Tecate and waited for the call, the “we’re here” call.

Voice Mail Message Saturday evening Nov 29

Alex. This is Joe Ganshert, Mich Ganshert’s father. And I have a complaint. I thought I had him all straightened out and then you came up and went on that boat trip with him, and now he’s as bad as ever. (laughter in background)

And I hear that (explicative deleted) Holly is interested in the Nick Englebert house in Hollandale west of New Glarus. I’m the curator there. So I want to meet Holly.

See you at your birthday party I’m glad you’re coming up.

The plan was that my four friends, 2 couples come over for the get together, and stay the night in the spare room. And it was a most welcome plan. These are some of the best people I know.

So I had anticipated this evening for weeks.
My phone rang at 530. It was Dave and Christina, and Steve and his wife Angie, and they found parking and were coming toward casa diablo as I’ve dubbed my home.

I had already prepped jalapeños, salsa, nacho cheese, 3 other cheeses and a couple varieties of sweet but spicy pickles. There was other finger food that I cannot recall.

But they were bestowing “the motherload”. Lots of beer, broccoli casserole stuffed mushrooms and more. And we brought it all up and arranged my six seater dining table. Then took our seats as Steve asked if he could give Angie the Batman / Puppetmaster Tour. My honor of course.

And as I tried, and tried not to show my illness it was shining slowly through.

At 7 we jumped into a cab to show support to Holly and the others that work at the Galleria. It was busy, and crowded w/ their first anniversary party. I was greeted with hugs and kisses from the staff, and I felt welcome, and liked. However, I lasted 10 min at best, feeling hot, sweaty and on the verge of passing out in public. A cold chill ran over me. I grouped the kids and said good byes. Holly said she’d meet us in an hour.

It was pushing 8 and I had only consumed 2.5 beers and was now drinking water. It was becoming obvious.

It was an hour later on the dot when Holly called and was on her way.

By the time Holly had come in, met the gang, she knew the Dave and Xtina half previously, and made herself a cocktail of what I suspect was vodka and fresh lime, the ladies had all taken notice of my deteriorating condition. They said I was flushed. Xtina commented on how she’d never seen me drink so slow. Angie offered that there’d be no problem if they went back home. And I felt worse knowing how far they drove and all the supplies they brought w/ them. I had suggested to Holly that maybe I nap and they all hang and I’d come up after an hour ready to play. But in reality, that may not have been the case.

The gang nursed one more drink and were on their way. I layed on Holly’s lap. She began to attempt to nurse me back to health. She packed up all of the food, not letting me do a thing, and took pretty good care of this illing man.

And it was somewhere n the hour or so before I dozed off that I knew I wasn’t going to make the concert the next night.

Thus began the process of letting everyone involved know, that I was about to let them down. Not my motive of operation whatsoever, in any way shape or form.

Sunday Morning BAD ENERGY

It wasn’t in the cards to get a good night of sleep. I had already let Holly down by not helping her w/ setting up her show Saturday. I vowed to help her tear down Sunday, even if I couldn’t make the Ogre show.

I should have taken Ambien when she departed or at least after I contacted those involved that I wouldn’t be able to attend the Ogre show. I had to contact Jolene and let her know as well. I knew all of my Chicago friends would be there. People I hadn’t seen and were looking forward to seeing in a long time at least since Ministry came through Chi back in May.

It wasn’t meant to be.

I hadn’t seen Ogre in about 4 years.

I hadn’t seen Jolene in 2 or 3.

I hadn’t seen Alex/Alecks in 2 years since the 2007 Pride Parade.

I hadn’t seen Candy XXX in over a year or anyone else I wanted to see, and introduce to Holly. And Holly was to shoot the show.

And though I had let everyone down, they were understanding, very understanding, and wished me well.

But I wasn’t going to let Holly down, despite how bad I felt.

After I struggled to get a shower, and attempted to get a nap, something this body does not know, late in the afternoon, I took a short cab ride to a desolate neighborhood just NW of me.

As odd as this may sound, as I walked though the door of this beautiful and peaceful place, full of great friendly folk, I felt a very strong negative energy. And it actually had me attempting to leave after a few minutes. I was about to bail.

It was snowing and cold and windy, and I was sick, and I was in an area that cabs don’t come to, because there is no reason for them to come there. There is no business for cabs.

I was convinced to return, and while there I met some really good people, great independent women, strong women, and nice. I had no problems striking up conversations.

Someone wanted to buy Holly’s necklace, another not so good person, and maybe the bringer of the bad vibe, offered to trade her child for it. The same child that I saw Holly feeding and rocking onstage when I initially walked into the room.

We took a break to a pizza place next door, I thought I’d have a beer, she thought she’d order a wine. THIS WAS A PIZZA PLACE. They had only 4 beers, and 2 wines from which to choose, and no liquor for Holly too boot. MORE BAD ENERGY.

I needed to get out of this funk.

Nonetheless, I kept to my word and when it was time, I helped pack up and load into her car. Some folk commented that they thought what I was doing was a very nice gesture. They had no idea I was getting sicker than ever. I wanted to go home. Even though I knew what I’d be missing. My phone was burning up. I got a nice message from Ogre. I got a concerned message from Jolene. And many others called and I could just not take anymore calls because all I wanted was my warm home, as warm as it WAS NOT.

The sprits in my house were restless, more vocal than ever. It made sleeping impossible. It was such a weird and phantasmagoric, but not magical night. We listened to things banging around on my deck, knocking at the door, and more. Shadows danced in the hall.

My fever was higher, I was weak, and yet there was Loki-esque magic within the confines of my quarters. Intense and good, and very unique.

I got about an hour of sleep, I woke to early, I was sicker than I had been, and I hadn’t really eaten since the Wednesday prior at Leona’s.
It was Monday time to get ready for work, and I was going to attempt it, and I did….attempt.

I looked outside; snow was everywhere and still falling. The roads were covered, and on my deck all of my furniture was wrecked and the door to my porch was unlocked. I called to Holly to come witness. Our minds began t revisit the occurrences earlier.

As I dressed for the elements and to get a cab, I picked up my phone. All of the messages from the previous were missing.

I took a long cab ride to work and the cabbie fought traffic along with all of the other Chicagoans that just need to be the first in line. The normal 15-20 min commute took almost an hour. I went into the office and the Monday morning meeting. I showed up. And then I went home.

Thanks the sun and the moon and the stars the Thanksgiving helliday is over.

Next week I’m supposed to go to New Glarus. It should prove to be a much livelier tale if it is meant to be. - az

last night was a tough night to fall asleep. much was on my mind. my dreams showed me truths i’ve somehow allowed myself to be blind to. i took a second ambien at 130AM, fell asleep. woke at 534AM look at my clock which was set for 550AM, attempted to get 10 min or so more. i got more, woke at 630 am somehow sleeping through my alarm, something i never do. more of the same dreams.

i woke feeling empty, vacant, and cold (the word i was searching for)

and somehow i wish i’d never opened my fucking eyes!

- fin