AZ’s “DIARY OF A DAMNED MAN” » 2008

August 27, 2008

“A smile can open a heart, quicker than a key can open a door”

I wonder if my horoscope is telling me something?

Daily Horoscope for Sagittarius Wednesday, August 27, 2008

You might be even more certain about your choices now and if you don’t pay attention to your feelings, your confidence can gradually turn into stubborn self-righteousness. Unfortunately, this can create problems at work or provoke an outright conflict with your boss. Don’t waste your time and energy thinking that you can change the system by rationalizing your actions. Build your case for later, but don’t stir up trouble today.

Boy Howdy! Ya know some people are just NASTY by nature. They cannot find anything positive to say about anybody. These are the kind of people that I cannot include in my circle.

For example: I have a really good friend named Jonathan. He’s a southern gentleman, a talented actor and singer, and accomplished in both areas. He recently married his lovely Elizabeth. I’ve known Jonathan 2 years as of last June. He worked as a temped for the company where I spend 90 % of my daylight hours. They later brought him in as full time, but fired him abruptly for no good reason except he wasn’t the flirty blonde type they like bouncing around the office. Sorry, but I am observant. We literally hit it off right away.

Last year in early Sept he and his fiancé moved to Florida to work for a theatre company, and I saw him off. And we stayed in touch. Last Feb when I went to New Orleans for a getaway, he and his wife to be drove hours to come and visit. A really good sign of a really good friend. And being he’s talented and uses his talents as his profession, there is some sort of common ground where we can communicate in a way which I find difficult for some of my co – workers where I spend 90% of my daylight hours and the cannot seem to comprehend what I did before working here or what I do outside the corporate realm. There was the long running rumor that I was running an escort service. I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh, or to take it as an insult. I actually felt about 50% of each, leaning toward insulted.

So back to my point. Jonathan and his wife are back in Chi for 2 months before their next production takes off. He recently worked on a film called “The Fixer” as one of the bad guys and I have been retained as a music consultant on the film. And I was absolutely thrilled to hear they were back. So last night as I biked home after work, Jonathan was outside of the front gates of my building waiting for me w/ a six pack of Miller Chill. I gave him quick tour of the casa which he admired and complimented me on and we sat out on the deck for a few hours as the darkness settled to the west we were looking east at all of the buildings and windows facing me. I guess subconsciously I never took note of all of the windows and how busy it is back there. But he did. And we took note, made observations and he just constantly stayed amazed at the hundreds of windows within our view. I could practically hear him writing a skit or play in his head, about the innocent voyeur-like display before us, in his mind.

So that was the evening, nice quite, intellectually stimulating and all around just a good time.

So I biked to work this morning, and the first “person” I see, is one person that is always negative, catty and just has nothing good to say about anyone. I mean, she is the type when you introduce her to someone will remind you later of anything negative she could point out about them. And I’m in a good mood, as the bike ride was energizing and I have a good 6 weeks on the horizon. And I mention to her as I make my first cup of coffee. “I had a former co-worker come by last night”, and she replies with a subtle, “hmm”, basically she could give a rats ass. And I proceed, “Yeah, Jonathan came by, it was really nice.” And her reply at 730 AM this morning, “I’m thrilled.”

There’s something just not right w/ a person like that.

So that’s all I have, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

With that said, I had a great weekend. Sinderalla and Erin came by Saturday night and we sat drinking on the deck. Sindy brought her baby, Zoe, and both Zoe and I were smitten. - az

August 21, 2008

Remembering Grandma

I just found this morning out my Grandmother on my fathers side passed away last night she was 88.

My Grandfather passed in 1981, and I recall spending my 16th birthday with him. He was the man responsible for my love of reading and also interest in conspiracies, UFO’s Bigfoot etc. He had a room full of magazines he’d send me home with, my favorite was a 1970’s read called Saga. He also got in into Ellery Queen mystery novels. I missed him when he passed, I believe that was only my second funeral, he passed not long after my great grandfather, his dad. My Grandfather always stressed brains vs braun to me. I guess he figured me out when I was very young.

Grandma was the opposite.

He and my grandmother raised 4 strong Irish men, and 1 daughter. And there were 11 grandchildren including myself. 15 great grandchildren; and one great-great-grandson. She worked hard until the late 80’s for the USPS in a small Ohio town with a population that isn’t even registered and I doubt is 50 people. Although it is unincorporated, it has a post office, which is where her, and my grandfathers sister worked.

I have a lot of memories about my Grandmother and one of the earliest is that up until I was five, everyone called me Dobie, and I actually thought that was my name. My mother who also passed away 4 years ago Oct, gave me that name as a shortcut for Doll-Baby. My Grandmother would have none of that and always called me Alex. As far as she was concerned there’s be no pussies in her family. After I was 5, I was Dobie no more ironically after my father courted his second wife and mother of my brother Blue, and her ex flame from Germany came over to the states and his name was Alex as well. My father told me to go over to him and tell him my name was Alex too. I didn’t understand, but from that day forward I was Alex. Maybe my father did that as a passive aggressive way of torturing his second wife so that she’d always remember that choice she made. But thanks to my grandmother, she always made sure that I never forgot my birthname. Can you imagine a rock n roll guy like me named Dobie?

My Grandmother was a good, caring and generous woman. She always had nice things to say to me and though she was poor did her best to make sure I had important things such as glasses. She even put up the money for my second car, the entire $250. She was an old country woman for as long as I remember. In hindsightm, she was a Norman Rockwell painting come to life. I still of the smell of her old house in my mind, it was a good smell, a backwoods country smell.

Growing up I remember she didn’t have running water, there was a pump in the kitchen with a well in the basement. There was a pot upstairs to use when it was not warm enough to walk in the backyard to the outhouse which sat behind the garden. She didn’t get “city water” till the mid 70’s when they put a watertower on the highest hill in the town. That is/was how far removed this town was and how most of my first five years of life was spent. Oddly enough, they had cable TV before my town did which wasn’t till maybe 1980.

I haven’t seen my grandmother for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping tabs. She has been in a nursing home for a while and early last summer had a stroke. This week it wasn’t looking good according to my cousin kayl who has been writing daily from Guam. My cousin Kim called last night crying, her mother had just told her grandma was dying that she should probably contact me. I already knew. I did my best to comfort her. She is so far away also, in Montana. I think 4 of us actually moved from the region, myself, my brother, and my cousins Kayl and Kim. The family is fairly tightknit in that easter region of rural Ohio.

I was her first grandson, and that held a special place for me. She always thought I needed to be toughened up and as I kid I was quite a scrawny wimp but she saw me grow out of that as I became and adult.

Grandma had a living will that expressed a denial of life support, and that was a very generous act I feel. Having been down that road with my mother on life support 4 summers ago being faced with having to make that decision I know what a difficult choice if not a burden that can be. My Grandmother is at peace now and I feel comfortable with her knowing she lived a full life and in 88 years sure must have seen a lot of developments and progression in our country and the world. And she was loved.

And she still is.

“Do you know how pale & wanton thrillful
Comes death on a stranger hour
Unannounced, unplanned for

Like a scaring over-friendly guest you’ve
Brought to bed

Death makes angels of us all
& gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven’s claws

No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best”

- from An American Prayer by Jim Morrison

August 17, 2008

Get Off Of My Cloud

pix coming tomorrow

“AZ, this is just what the doctor ordered.” Said Bob, my good friend of 9 plus years and former boss at HBO.

So, after a week that started out horrible with massive bouts of insomnia and a visit to my doc, which also resulted in work woes, the end of last week was upon me at 500 PM Friday the 14th. I had purchased 2 kick ass books, and updated version of my 1982 fave “Rock N Roll Babylon” and “Conversations With Hunter S. Thompson”, which is a collection of interviews from the 70’s- 2004 w/ my favorite writer. I came home after work, changed, felt some raw energy, took 2 trips to the market to shop for necessities and cleaning supplies and began to clean my house at a slower than normal pace. I then got a descent night of sleep. YOWZA!

The next morning I rose, showered, made breakfast, cleaned some went again to my doctor and we insured I would never ever suffer of insomnia again. Sometimes it takes them a long time to know that the patient is not after a “high” and will actually use these kind of narcotics responsibly. And it was a great way to kick off what was about to be a great day.
I cleaned all morning and packed my overnight bag for a trip out to one of the furthest reaches of the Metra. A town called Montgomery IL. Beyond the last stop of the Metra rail of Aurora (home of Wayne’s World. shahhhh)
I took the blue line to Rosemont where at 315 Pm Bob picked me up in his mint 1975 all original Grand Prix. The black leather bucket seat greeted me like a warm friendly hand. And we were off motoring down the highway, with only one stop en route to his new home and my fortress of solitude, “Tubby’s 3″. The first stop was an amazingly massive grocery store from Janesville WI called WOODMANS.

Not only was the place massive and fully stocked w/ everything, but the employee were VERY friendly, very pretty and a complete photo negative to what I’ve become accustomed to in Chicago. Service w/ a smile! BOY HOWDY, it was he start of a great evening.

I picked up 2 twelve’s of Miller Chill, Bob grabbed a 12 of Point, we both picked up a block of cheese, he brick and myself spicy pepper jack, 2 bags of kettle chips and we were off to his casa.
Bob had been marinating this home made Italian sausage that we’ve been eating for a couple years, and this was the last of it. And because of that Italian family inter family drama, it will ever be made again. Bob had been marinating it in olive oil for about a day or so. And I knew it would be good.

Once at his new place which was next to a small water park on a quiet street, just a short walk to the Fox River, which has great fishing, bike trails and just about the nicest Frisbee golf course I’ve ever seen, I unpacked the acre as he went to let his German Sheppard, Lugar out in his back yard which was just under an acre and surrounded by a privacy fence.
I had to promise not to look, and I couldn’t because I was too busy unloading the “pie wagon”. He told me to come in and I was awestruck, Bob had done well. This ranch style home with massive backyard was open and the rooms were big and wide and the backyard was the bees knees. I was in total awe, and sort of in heaven. He pointed out the fire ring in the center and the pile of logs behind his shed and told me we would build a bonfire. He hadn’t done it yet ad he was in the presence of “Camper Joe’”, the unaccredited campfire master.

After that we had to move cars, MOVE CARS? His classic Grand Prix was by the park, in his drive way as his red Cadillac Eldorado which he drives to work, and then he took me to the garage to see his latest acquisition, a 2004 black on black mint condition Cadillac Eldorardo, which he hardly drives. Save for special occasions.
So we played musical chairs w/ the cars, putting the eye candy away and took our asses into the house, got some beer and sat out back till dark.

We took our time drinking beer, playing w. the dog watching TV outside and As he tended to the food, I gathered firewood etc to start the fire. We ate, drank, sat outside built a fire, sat around the fire chatting about, previous adventures, love and lost love, friends and fuck ups, cars, music, family, deceased family and other random chit chat bullshit. And after I finally snuffed out the amazing fire I had built, I crashed on the sofa, he in his room, I of a good night of sleep and we rose and it as breakfast. no hangover, as usual, but this time I can attribute it to the fact that we didn’t get drunk. And now I look back and I left my beer there for my next trip. For which I’ll tote my tent and bicycle
Coffee, breakfast, a nice walk w the dog across the river and through the park and by 1220 PM, I was on a train, between 2 beautiful ladies heading into the city, smelling of campfire and a big smile on my face as I took a soft breath and began to sink my mind into “Conversations With Hunter S Thompson”.

All was good w/ the world and for the fist time this summer I felt happy, alive and at peace.
And tonight I’ll sleep fine, just fucking fine. ” thanks Doc.

Sept. I will be very busy. I have a trip to Indy, my brother is coming again, alas, I have my friend Jeff and Melissa’s wedding, I’m going camping w/ Miss Nix and some of her cool peeps for the Trike rally AND I’m prepping to the greatest finale of summer ever, a house boat trip on the Mississippi w/ The Irish Piper and his clan of crazy Irish laughing goodhearted music and life loving, hell I don’t know what to call them, but I’ll be in good company.

Thanks for reading.

August 1, 2008

Summer Breeze (can be unkind)

This has been a pretty rough week and as you may have noticed there were a few days w/ no updates. I just haven’t felt too into to it in light of recent developments around my life.

I finally went and saw the DARK KNIGHT last night after work. Hard to believe I couldn’t bring myself to go till now, I just haven’t felt like a whole lot of fun. But the movie completely caught me off guard. I had heard the hype that it was good but this film went beyond that, and beyond great. If Heath Ledger does not get at least an Acadamy nom for his performance there is no real sense in Hollywood whatsoever. At least the people know what is good. As of last Monday the revenues have reached $314.2 million in just 10 days. That’s a record.

I haven’t been eating or sleeping and with that I mind neither have I been able to watch movies. Finally Tues I watched “There Will be Blood” for the first time, and finally on Wed watched “The Pope of Greenwich Village” which believe it or not had not seen till then. So I’m getting back on track with my “one movie a night” regime.

Other than that my nights have been of tossing and turning and Monday was so sick and sweaty on my first day back to work that I had to leave for home at 1 PM.

I averaged about 90 minutes of random sleep every night for about 6 days and ate very little thus losing 10 lbs. which doesn’t hurt but at the same time I’ve been very weak and tired. And the sleeping disorder I have isn’t helped by the fact that a certain person that lived at my house with me had been taking my Xanax to which I’m prescribed in order to curb my sleeping issues.

Last weekend I spent way out in the burbs with Steve and Dave and their ladies. Saturday we went to the wild west town and sat up talking funny stuff late on Sunday morning. I woke around 5 AM and had to et an 830 train from New Lennox to Chicago. I was worn out by Monday partially due to the fact that I hit the Hay at 10 PM and woke up just after midnight and could not fall back to sleep.

My vacation was a complete waste of time and money. And thus far due to recent events this has been the second most miserable summer of my life and fast becoming #1.

I just want to put this behind me, keep the good times in my mind and move on. But I need closure, and I will look for that tonight at the bottom of some bottles that read MILLER CHILL as I sit on my back porch , alone but for 2 two black cats and some good music.

Slainte !