She’s got the sun and the moon in a velvet glove. Showers of diamonds fall from high above. She’s a vicious queen. She’s a little girl. I know she’s a cornerstone of the underworld.

Clint Eastwood Esquire Magazine interview quote Summer 2016

That’s the kiss-ass generation we’re in right now. We’re really in a pussy generation. Everybody’s walking on eggshells. We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren’t called racist. And then when I did Gran Torino, even my associate said, “This is a really good script, but it’s politically incorrect.” And I said, “Good. Let me read it tonight.” The next morning, I came in and I threw it on his desk and I said, “We’re starting this immediately.”

ESQ: What is the “pussy generation”?

CE: All these people that say, “Oh, you can’t do that, and you can’t do this, and you can’t say that.” I guess it’s just the times

I am heading for Chicago tomorrow to celebrate the continued existence of a great friend and human being, Alex Zander! Alex has done so much for so many people expecting nothing in return. The world continues to be a better place thanks to the positive contributions of such a generous soul! Happy Birthday Alex and Best Wishes Always!

– Dale Patrick Bennett December 6 at 8:34 AM

You make me lonely. Why should you care. I give you everything. That’s hardly fair. I give you lovin’. It’s what you need. I give you everything. Everything in me. It might surprise you. But that’s not the reason.

“If you were Jame Bond that would be the name of your movie, An Ass To  Die For.” – Adam Becvare

Evanston IL winter on the North Shore

This past week at work I learned a lot about not only my new office team but the world itself giving me a sense of hope I have not felt in nearly 3 years.

Wednesday they had us each order lunch for a local deli that is obviously all the rage from what I hear. We convened in the conference room and I had Karen the gal from Brazil to my left and across the table Rich who is from Wales. I began eating my Corned Beef Reuben Wrap while keeping to myself and listening to the nice conversation from those I share the office with. Now my 3rd time servicing an executive search firm exclusively I considered what I was hearing rather unique. There was talk of family and children and video game and relationships but not of the typical Chad / Trixie banter I’m used to hearing in regards to the opposite sex and so far I could at least relate to what I was listening to. As I sat silently picking away at my lunch Rich asked me if I was close with my siblings. I took the opportunity to open the inscription from my brother included on a blank page of the DEVO book he sent me for my birthday via my phone. Karen referenced the part of the “spiked leather wristband” when she asked me if I was a metal head. Nice that they actually read it together for real I was taken back feeling slightly insulted. Ya see I’m used to a different kind of people when working in this corporate atmosphere where the people I work tend to be a little judgmental. I relied if it was because of my hair and she corrected me and mentioned the aforementioned wrist band. I told a sliver of the story and Rich asked who my favorite band were and I said it was the Doors but there was also a band I really loved that is no longer with us Type O Negative. His eyes lit up and her mouth went agape. It turns out Karen LOVES Type O. Then Motorhead came up and I mentioned that I go way back with them and the reaction in them switched when I said I wish I could see Phil Campbell and the Bastard Sons. It turns out that while in the UK that Rich played in a band with 2 of Phil’s sons and showed me photos. A few minutes later it was revealed that Karen saw the MINISTRY Movie “Fix” at the Music Box Theater. It was then for the first time in years that I realized I now work with people who not only know of my world but share in a part of it. It’s not all about golf or “the game” of some TV show that hasn’t ever even made a blip on my radar. There is a true element diversity at this firm. There’s another coworker Mike who has the desk closest to mine who is a comic fan and collector of Batman memorabilia. In fact at his desk he has the exact same Classic Batman calendar that I do in my home office.

Around 2015/2016 the last firm I served for a total of 6 years and 4 months began to bully people out of the company. A pair of sisters on two separate occasions were bullied out by their superiors who were over dramatic short tempered fly off the handle types. Each time they came into my office in tears and told me they wanted to walk out and I had begged them not to. They did. Not long after each women who had bullied those girls out of the organization had their tempers explode in over dramatic childish displays of mental instability. Loudly and disrupting the work flow. Not long after my hip replacement surgery the newly appointed just out of the military chief of staff focused his dislike of me and slowly began his bullying techniques and under the radar style of chipping away at my livelihood. Here I was who 3 years earlier had been told by the founder and CEO that I was a big part of the future of the company to being put on verbal warning and told that even though I am an award winning researcher that I didn’t know how to do my job. This at the 90 days before my 5-year anniversary and the week after I had fallen for a Vietnamese woman who had the ability to make me feel like none other up to that point.  That day I had to meet a friend at Union Station for drinks before the Cheap Trick, Joan Lett, Heart concert out on the lake.

So here I am, hired one year after QLK gave me my walking papers which was also financially and professionally the most difficult year of my life sharing an office with good people who actually “get it”.

Thursday morning I woke up again much too early but to a warmth that had alluded me in recent times. Miranda, the beautiful talented daughter of Brad and Dawn who I am staying with on Christmas in Indianapolis sent me a text asking if I would read over her senior paper and I enthusiastically agreed to do so after work. A few minutes later I got a most welcome call from North Carolina and it looks like she is indeed coming to visit in the middle of next month, something I had all but given up on and with the new job crossed at least for a little piece of time put out of my mind. I dressed for work a very happy man and confident man.

On Friday Rich started the morning by playing random Ghost songs at his end of the office and midafternoon asked if anyone wanted a beer and broke out bottles of Sam Adams. About 10 minutes later Karen approached me and asked if I thought if Type O Negatives October Rust would be suitable to play in office. Of course, not the first two but for sure this one the most commercial friendly release of their discography. Neither the beer, or Type O Negative were my idea and certainly not on my mind. If by then 1 week and a day into this position I didn’t want it to work out more than anything, by the end of that day I wanted nothing more.

After work I walked to the train and rode most of the way with Stephanie the head of business development who is both attractive and intelligent and excludes a friendly demeanor and we talked about the work environment. I explained to her the way that I felt and 15 minutes later we parted ways for the weekend.  I had mentioned my good friend Mark Williams of Louisiana in our conversation. When I got home there in my mailbox was a postcard from him addressed to Alejandro Diablo the Spanish name he gave me years ago and signed by Too Dark Mark the name I gave to him two decades ago after we met, in a gay bar of all places.

From the card from Mark to a visit from Dale, my hetero life mate,  a couple of hours later I finally felt that my life was beginning to come back together. A year of drama and mental trauma from the unfortunate 2017 incident and a year of long hard struggle and for me the first time I ever fell into depression in 2018 was finally coming near a close. Good people and good friends with nothing but good intentions is all I really need. The rest as far as life is concerned I can handle and control on my own.



Winter is here, and it’s cold this time of year. There’s snow everywhere in sight, falling on this winter night. By candle light, we share this chilly night. There’s frost on the window pane, winter nights are here again. There’s a feeling in the air, feel the spirit everywhere. Winter winds on heaven and earth.

11/26/2018 Winter storm slams Chicagoland

Birthday gift from my brother: Devo: The Brand / Devo: Unmasked: (classic Edition) At Last the Truth is in Print! This sumptuously illustrated two-in-one book tells the remarkable story of Devo’s astounding career. DEVO: The Brand is illustrated throughout with classic Devo iconography and music press interviews with major British and US publications; when finished flip it over and read DEVO: Unmasked, which is packed with rare and unseen photos of the band as children.

It’s still very cold in Chicago

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide. Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride. Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.

thanXXXgiving turkey diablo

18 stuffed pounds of golden goodness.

It’s the Sunday after Thanksgiving as the city prepares for the first big winter storm of the season, that is if it actually comes. The look outside could be depressing, it’s dark, wet, cold and damp. The kind of day when you look out of your windows and feel like, why even bother getting dressed when I can just slit my wrists. (paraphrase of Peter Steele issue #1 of MK ULTRA Jan/Feb 1995)

The National Weather Service said wind gusts can be as high as 45 mph and will cause whiteout conditions and blowing snow. Significant drifting of the snow is likely. Total snow accumulations are expected to be around 7 to 11 inches.

The NWS said the worst conditions will be around 9 p.m. Sunday to 4 a.m. Monday.

Travel will be very dangerous to impossible. Snowfall rates in excess of 2 inches per hour are possible. This snow is expected to be very heavy and will be difficult to shovel. The strong winds and heavy snow may cause falling tree limbs and possible power outages, the NWS said.

The past two weeks have been personally and professionally significant for me in order to put this very difficult year behind me. I have a career opportunity starting this week and I went back to my former physician who I haven’t seen since December 2016. He put me back on Ambien for my chronic insomnia. Between that and Trazadone I should be able to rest better than I normally do. I thought 2017 was a rough ride but 2018 has been a struggle both personally and professionally. I’m hoping that the things that are starting to come together shift life in a completely more positive direction.


Thanksgiving was fun. I made an eighteen pound turkey for Christine and I. I also had mashed potatoes and asparagus and her mother made a plate of deviled eggs and gifted me the serving plate/egg tray. She arrived mid afternoon and called me from outside where i needed to take her a parking pass and help her carry some bags up to my flat. Her hair was full and thick and bright red. On her long furry black coat she looked very much like someone from my past. It was kind of a shock at first site. We’ve known each other for about 4 years now but I’ve never seen her in the winter. I put the food in the ovens to warm up and we shared a drink and caught up before sitting down to dinner. She’s a pastry chef and commented on social media it was the best turkey she’s ever had. A huge compliment. Last year I didn’t have a turkey or any guest for the first time in years. We had cocktails and watched a lot of videos and took a call from Krztoff my old friend and singer of BILE. In the morning we had coffee and watched Zack and Miri as Anny the Watercat fell asleep on her lap. Anny is becoming more and more of a lap cat now that she’s no longer as tiny as she was a year ago when I got her.

I should also add that i shared if not the best but my favorite conversation with her so far and I let it be known. I had no idea we shared such similar political / common sense views.

When Chris left I spent most of the afternoon sleeping and then talked with Miss B and watched some movies. It was a relaxing weekend with a lot of kitchen cleaning as usual. Not fun or relaxing at all. I got a decent night of sleep last night but tonight shall prove to be the challenge. Novembers coming to an end and December should prove to be a fun month and a long overdue one at that.


“Nothin’ lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain”

Also over the holiday break seemingly out of the blue I was contacted by Tiny Texie, pictured here with me and Johnny Monaco at EXXXOTICA when Johnny was still playing his short lived stint in L.A. GUNS. I was caught completely off guard and my fascination with her sorta rekindled. Sorta, only on a small scale in comparison to last June.
Standing at just under 3 1/2 feet tall, Tiny Texie is a perfectly proportioned 41″ professional feature adult entertainer, weighing in at a ultra petite 38 pounds! 

Well do you, don’t you want me to make you. I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you.Tell me, tell me, tell me your answer. You may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer.

“The water has been poisoned for quite some time as far as interaction is concerned. Social media has become a high school playground where the challenge is what idiot can come up with the best insult, and do you end up congratulating ‘em for it. It’s really sad. Either that or people just pushing their own respective ideas on everyone, trying to shove everything down everybody else’s throats, and so much elitism and so much lack of camaraderie and lack of unity. It’s become a very, very ugly thing.”

- David Draiman on Social Media

Tac Quick lunch:  Pad Thai, Spring Roll and Martini

Asa Akira hot shot

Swag from Viet Hoa Grocery

immm Thai Street Food

Hon Kee (Honkey?) looks really nice at night

Thursday Nov 15th I went downtown and picked up a check, had lunch at Tac Quick where it was nice to catch up with the owner Ittichi. That evening Mark and I went up to Little Saigon for dinner and grocery shopping. Two Asian meals in one day is a real treat. It’s actually nice to hang out with someone who it enjoys the cuisine as much as I do. I also picked up some items to make Sinigang so there’s a lot of Asian flair in the ol fridge.

 On Saturday the 17th Ashley came by for some pre birthday celebration. It wasn’t as fun as usual since her cramps were so bad. But it was really nice to see her and meant a lot to me that she remembered my birthday was upcoming.

On Sunday the 18th Adam Becvare and I took a ride down to Portage IN for wings at Quaker Steak and Lube which is now under new management. It has also been nicely renovated and has beautiful hardwood flooring and expanded dining room. Jim and Kristy Storm met us and we were also joined by Eden and Gary. It was a really nice afternoon and the place was very busy unlike the last time we took a ride down there.


The following day I had a 4 hour mock jury trial which I was paid to participate in that is an actual civil case going to trial in the next week or so and it was interesting. No sooner had I made a deposit that I got the call about the new gig which I’m very excited about. I came home and was very tired so I made a cocktail watched TV and went to sleep much too early. The week itself with the pending holiday and all went by very quickly. But that’s another story which you’ve already read about.

At Tank Noodle with Mark Farnsworth


Broccoli, Napa, Shiitake Mushroom, Giant Oyster Mushroom, Carrot, Pea Pod, celery, Baby Corn, Green Onion, Cilantro

Pork Sinigang or Sinigang na Baboy is a sour soup native to the Philippines

Remember to call my name, I adore it. If you speak my name, I implore it. If with all these things we invoke here. Call you out our name, but be forewarned, dear, I don’t mind the pain.

If that little Beach Bunny from June comes back in January as a Snow Bunny I’ll be a happy man and 2019 will be a good year and there’s no other way I’d rather kick it off. 

But first…

The third time better be the charm with Adam Becvare. 

A very long movie that was slow moving but held my attention.

A Cure for Wellness (2016) Director: Gore Verbinski 2 hrs 26 minutes

An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from an idyllic but mysterious “wellness center” at a remote location in the Swiss Alps, but soon suspects that the spa’s treatments are not what they seem.


ReMastered: Tricky Dick & The Man in Black

This documentary chronicles Johnny Cash’s 1970 visit to the White House, where Cash’s emerging ideals clashed with Richard Nixon’s policies.

November 2017 Chicago

Mark Williams the Vice President at Warm Audio and AlabMedia Managing Director and 11 year veteran as PreSonus Audio Electronics Director of International Sales and Business Development will now serve as technical director/consultant for the MKULTRASOUND PodCast.

I’ve know Mark since winter 1998 and funny story we met at a Chicago gay dance club where I was DJing a Skinny Puppy record release party in conjunction with Nettwerk Records out of Canada. I’ve long considered him one of my best and closest friends.

February 2009 Baton Rouge 

I have the feeling that winter 2018 is going to be a lot like this cartoon. I got a very encouraging message from Echo yesterday afternoon that spiked my mood immensely. Last week I learned she loves book shopping. I have not shared that hobby with a woman in over a decade. I found a very old pic of her today from pre 2010. There’s not much that I cannot find. 

Sunday 11/11/2019

This was all done before noon this morning. 

More developments over the last 24 hrs regarding the Podcast launch in 2019. Audio and broadcast gear will be provided by Curve Audio and Alab Media as sponsors with Mark Williams serving at Executive Producer. I’m also considering a drive time live broadcast Monday’s 5P-630P with weekly running time at 90 minutes. Realistically being that talent would be working and or commuting at that time may just do a weekly Monday 9P-1030P live broadcast. There’s still time to look into that further. Nonetheless the reality is getting closer and closer ass will the launch date of possibly early spring 2019.

We also discussed details that will keep the show running smoothly and to a dedicated and tightly knit format.

Mark just got back from a business trip to Mexico City which just happens to be where he attended and graduated high school, and Friday he leaves for a week long business trip to Australia.

Big thanks to Dylan Smith in Missoula Montana for the kick in the butt to really set this in motion and also Kenny Ryback in Los Angeles for actually getting a couple logo options out there and more are to come. 

Too Dark Mark at El Palmar August 2010

Too Dark Mark and AZ Holiday Club August 2010


With crystal eyes she gazes like a desert flower in the morning rain. She’s well aware of every promise made. She’s a child of light in a world of pain. Crystal eyes, she’s an angel that fell to earth like a gift from God. Sweet, serene, skin like cream. My love protects your every thought.

I had a nice lunch with my good friend Tom today at Tank Noodle which is now my favorite. I’ve only been one other time and it’s always usually very crowded. 

Tank Noodle 4953-55 North Broadway Chicago, IL


Voted Top Three Best Vietnamese Restaurants in Chicago

A stone’s throw from the Little Saigon EL, this simple corner spot keeps pho enthusiasts coming back for more. Communal cafeteria-style tables, crowded during prime meal times, are stocked with all the necessary funky and spicy condiments. Efficient service keeps the joint humming and lets the patrons focus on slurping. Pho is the definitive draw here, and this fragrant, five-spiced, rice noodle- and beef-filled broth is accompanied by sprouts, lime wedges and plenty of basil. Other delights on the massive menu include shrimp- and pork-stuffed rice flour rolls with spicy and sour nuoc cham. Follow that with a fiery catfish soup simmered with an intriguing combination of okra, pineapple and crunchy bamboo shoots drizzled with garlic oil.

Bánh mì thịt nướng / Grilled Marinated Pork Sandwich
Cucumbers, cilantro, jalapeno, sour carrots, sour radishes, green onion.

Served to me by the most attractive waitress I’ve ever had in Argyle neighborhood.

 This DVD was in my mailbox when I got home from lunch for me to review from ARROW FILMS. 



Legendary Toei director Teruo Ishii tells three stories of moral sickness set during Japan’s prosperous Genroku era in this bloody follow-up to his sexploitation classic Shogun’s Joy of Torture, and the fourth entry in Toei’s ‘abnormal love’ film series. Ishii’s politically incorrect moral lessons paint a trio of tales of tragic heroines caught up in violence, sadomasochism, incest and torture.

Told in anthology style by an impassive physician (Teruo Yoshida), the first story follows Oito (Masumi Tachibana), an innocent young girl deceived by a handsome yakuza and sold into prostitution who finds herself in a doomed love affair with the man who brought her to ruin. The tale of Ochise (Mitsuko Aoi) is about the daughter of a rich merchant whose insatiable appetite for filth and perversion draws her deeper into violence, darkness and betrayal. Finally, the story of Omitsu (Miki Obana) follows a sadistic lord (Asao Koike) whose eye is caught one day by a beautiful member of his harem who shares his strange taste for pain and blood, but who holds a secret of her own that will destroy his entire household.

Casa Diablo Alejandro Diablos cheese grits

4 cups water, 1 tbs salt, 1 cup course ground corn grits, 1 tbs butter, 2 cups shredded cheese, 3 tbs 2% milk and a splash of hot sauce

Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Tom at Tank Noodle and I’d only dined there one other time and have since searched out other alternatives as it’s so popular and so very busy. After yesterday I will brave those crowds and happily return. It was above par and no wonder its rated in the Top 3 Vietnamese restaurants in Chicago.


Tom dropped me off on the corner and I waked through Graceland cemetery taking many pix. My favorites are here.

Buena Park

Graceland Cemetery November 2018 Lakeview/Buena Park/Uptown

It’s cold and windy here and outside is not enjoyable. I’m impatiently waiting on a call from the office for when my next contract will begin. Next weekend I book my visit to Kankakee County for the 3rd year in a row of celebrating my birthday at the Looney Bin. I have no Thanksgiving plans but plan to make a turkey for myself and whoever wants to join me. Mark the person renting the spare room for nine months goes back to Iowa every weekend and during the holidays they are longer stretches. It’s almost like not sharing my place at all. He is good company and a smart guy with good taste in music and food.

The planning stages of the Podcast are slowly coming together. Echo will be visiting in February and we’ll see how good of a fit we will be for the show together. 2019 is poised to bring major changes in my life and now that things are slowly getting back on track I feel extremely optimistic as well as a tingle of excitement.

I just watched X-Rated 2 The Greatest Adult Stars of All Time on SHOWTIME – Documentary offering a close-up of the lives of legendary porn stars. It was kinda crazy how many people I know on the show and those I consider friends, old friends at this point. Its also narrated by Mr. Skin whose home and offices I’ve been to. It’s nice to see a positive spin put on these people as opposed to the mainstreams medias sterotypes and misinformation. .

Buena Park it’s my kind of place. I like the pace of this place. I like the style, I’d like to stay here a while. I like the birds singing in the trees. I like the girls and they like me.

Here is a picture of a Spider Dude on his phone outside of the office building where I’ve been working on Halloween. I’ll be posting more here over the weekend. There are lots of images coming. 

Death of a good friend is a very hard for me to write about. Jays funeral is Saturday and I can’t bring myself to attend. 2 years ago going to Jeff’s funeral was unbearable. I wasn’t there 10 minutes. No easier is writing about the loss of a good friend like Jay. He was one of the best men I’ve ever known. Fun, brilliant, successful, charming and above all loyal. In 2017 when so many people that I once considered friends who my home, heart and wallet were often open for turned on me and ranted on social media, Jay defended me and was there for me through the entire ordeal. 

The day before we rode together from Elburn to Kankakee County to see Tracii Guns solo band tour he asked me, “Should I drive the Corvette or the Jag?” I replied the Jag and Emily agreed when I told her. How many friends do you have that can ask you that question?

So much has changed in my world in the last month or so. 2019 will see the launching of the MKULTRASOUND Podcast and a very significant partnership. 

The great Kenny Ryaback out in Los Angeles stepped up and created several logos for our forthcoming Podcast set to launch in early summer 2019. Thank you Kenny.

You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory. Jay Panick “You will be missed my friend”

Jason R. Panick

August 01, 1967 – October 30, 2018

Jason R. “Jay” Panick, 51 of Elburn, Loving father of Jake & Nicki; son of Adrienne and the late Jerry Panick; fond brother of Mark, Adam (Tiffany) and the late Lisa Panick; uncle of many. Visitation Saturday 3:00 p.m until time of service 7:00 p.m. with cremation to follow at Hursen Funeral Home & Crematory, SW corner of Roosevelt & Mannheim Rds, Hillside/Westchester