Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey I ache in the places where I used to play And I’m crazy for love but I’m not coming on

“You can’t run around panicking and giving up; you’ve got to have the strength of your convictions; you’ve got to know somebody out there is going to recognize you as worthwhile and you’ll still be in the picture. If you look like you’re beaten, then who’s going to come forward?”

- Lemmy Chapter 12 from ‘White Line Fever’

“When it rains…….”

After last week of not having but seven hours of work to bill, lo and behold I got slammed at work today. Six new research projects and one that carried over from last Thursday. Obviously I’m going to be very busy for the unforeseeable future. It’s a good thing. I was stressed out last week anyway. 

Wednesday 545 AM: My tree lined street is already blooming with buds and what will seem like overnight soon I’ll look out of my window and exude a subtle sigh. Biking, beaching and the warm sun are closer this season than ever. 

Pre music video shoot for Subsonic’s “”A Day Late”  Summer 2004 1 year before I entered the corporate world as the print version of MK ULTRA was becoming a thing of the past. 

38 years ago today my first rock concert

I am the incubus I lay the egg in you, the worm that burrows through your brain, But you are the beast that calls me by my name

From issue #2 of MK ULTRA 1995 art by Jeff Brown Concept Alex Zander

Easter Sunday 1978 with brothers and Great Grandmother Minnie

I was there through the ages
Chained slaves to their cages
I have seen you eat your own
I’m the cycle of pain
Of a thousand year old reign
I’m suicide and salvation
The omen to nations
That you worship on all fours
I’m the infection and famine
That’s knocking at your door


“Put on whatever you want. Unless it’s Human Centipede.

I don’t wanna watch that shit.”

- Greg Duncan 4/14/2017

Mid April and N. Kenmore is in bloom

The tail end of a painful 5 day unpaid vacation came to an end on Thursday. I had been one entire pay period without any projects for work and it was the first time in 6 years with this company it has ever happened. Luckily I paid the IRS 2 weeks prior. It was a stressful day as I began to deal with a personal issue and suddenly got hammered with work. Vicky came by around 2PM and bought my Sexcon ticket and she hung out in the living room as I worked through the afternoon. We shared a pizza for dinner and she she left at a decent hour and I had a good night of sleep.

On Good Friday afternoon Greg Duncan came by and we had a few drinks, watched Dirty Grandpa and had a nitecap at Tac Quick. We made plans to do some cooking the next afternoon and it was the perfect day to do so. Earlier that morning I talked to Itti who was finishing on building the sidewalk cafe section of Tac Quick. I was looking forward to enjoying it.

Bradford and Itti at Tac Quick

Saturday morning I did laundry very early and then began to prep the Day Before Easter Brunch. Colossal Shrimp Cocktail, Stuffed Clams, deep fried jalapenos, steamed mussels, spicy sriracha pickles, jalapeno stuffed olives, buffalo cheddar cheese with stone ground mustard and Greg made homemade fried chicken wings. We indulged and then took it to the deck outside to work on the slow jam, eight-bar blues rendition of “The Redhead on the Redline Blues” a song that I have been working on for years. We figured out the formula, played it a couple of times and then we jammed on some standards accompanied by my new tambourine and maracas which gave us a nice acoustic rendition of “Sympathy for the Devil”.

Twas the day before Easter brunch with Greg Duncan

Lyrics first draft “Redhead on the Red Line Blues”

It was the perfect day and we went back over to Tac Quick, and sat outside enjoying a couple of cocktails and then came back to mi casa and had a couple of more drinks. At dusk Greg departed and i went to sleep. I woke the next morning to a big mess to clean up in the kitchen. It had stormed overnight which helped in my slumber and as noon approached the weather would be perfect again. My friend Tom came by Easter afternoon with a couple of nice steaks and a bottle of red wine but the steaks were still frozen so he treated me to dinner outside at Tac Quick. We had a couple of appetizers and I ordered Koong Chae Nam Pa Secret Menu Dish which was delicious. Tom being the connoisseur of Asian women that he is and having traveled to their land of origin explained to me how Vietnamese women age better than Thai. I wouldn’t know but Tom would. It was an interesting conversation. We chatted some more on my back deck and he admired my neighborhood. It was a very peaceful day even with a Cubs home game. When he left I took some sleeping meds and went to bed only to wake around midnight with the worst heartburn I’ve had in years. It kept me awake till 4AM. I knew I’d have to work from home and managed to get almost 90 more minutes of sleep and logged on at 7AM to jump back into an ongoing research project.


Easter dinner at Tac Quick with Tom

Over the weekend I also managed to finish season 6 of Shameless and was bummed that Netflix didn’t have season 7 available yet and neither did Xfinity. The end of season 6 was amazingly dramatic and they really gave Frank his long overdue payback. I have a week till Gotham is back on so I’ll have to keep myself entertained until then.

I’m happy to have that week of no work behind be but am facing a personal struggle ahead of me that will consume my time into summer. I look forward to my camping trip and EXXXOTICA and getting on with my life. It’s nbeen a very stessful couple of weeks and I have a few and I mean very few good friends to thank for doing their best to help me cope.

You know who you are.

Well shake your hip babe and bite your lip baby You’ll crack the whip babe come on You wanna be a dirty little rockstar yeah

Cheap Trick at the Limelight Eventplex & Bud Light Concert Series on the Peoria Riverfront July 7th. No friggin AmTrak to Peoria dammit and it’s a weekend!

My lil wild child, sweet sweet hard rockin’ Ash who always has the right words and believes in me like no other. I so wish you were suited for domestic bliss.

Funny how little people really know the real me. How I long for a nice long quiet and peacful life with one woman to spoil and one woman to spoil me. How I’d leave this urban lightning paced existence, the rock n roll lifestyle and trade it all in for domestic bliss. I’d felt like I was closer to achieving that for real last summer than ever. The problem is that I won’t just settle. I do have a standard and in every way I believed that last summer I had at long last finally found that. I’m not giving up. 

In the interim, my dear Ash calls and lends me a sympathatic ear and gives me no holds barred advice, words I need to hear, with no bullshit or punches pulled. With my circle of friends becomming increasinly smaller and more tight knit, it’s nice to know Ash is in for the long haul. I so much appreciate her in my life. 

Decided to visit Florida again, namely Ybor City.  around December as I did last year, only this time to explore my options, not to see a show. I’d go this Spring but I’m much to busy and I need to make money. 

…….”swimming with sharks” means “working with ruthless, back-stabbing people who will stop at nothing to achieve their own goals.” In this sense, a shark doesn’t care what he does to you or a company. He “attacks fiercely” in order to achieve his own goals. The “attack” could be perfectly legal, even though it might hurt a lot of other people.

I’ll get around to explaining that definition a bit later. Anyhoo, I started writing some opening pages for the MK ULTRA STORY and I’m really digging into the past. 1993-1994 which were the Genesis years of MK. I’m doing my best to make it personal and for the long time readers. This is me giving back to all their years of support and encouragement. Those important people who were the audience to the voice I thought would fall upon deaf ears.

Alex Zander…..wish you were here! 

- Valerie Kenwell in Dallas TX where PRONG played Friday night. 

I’m taking Ash to see them in a couple of weeks. 

Friday night I had a nice quiet dinner at Tac Quick and struck up an interesting conversation with a Chicago Fireman named Grant who happens to live in the neighborhood. KwanKong wasn’t working. Watched an episode of the Hugh Hefner Story and the movie A History of Violence. I was up later than usual due to the fact that people would not stop texting me. 

American Playboy: The Hugh Hefner Story
A fascinating docuseries chronicling Playboy magazine’s charismatic founder, Hugh Hefner, and his impact on global culture. Told from his unique perspective with never-before-seen footage from his private archive, discover the captivating story about the man behind the bunny.

Saturday 4/8

Sean from Shameless Season 5: And I’m a chaos junkie, so I love chaos, and when I get into chaos, bad shit follows.  And women like you. Hot, sexy, irresistible, fun, trouble-making, chaos causing, women like you were my drug of choice.


Red green, yellow and orange bell peppers stuffed with sausage, eggs, mozerella cheese and pickled jalepeno

2 Green bell peppers stuffed with ground beef, onion, pickled jalapeno peppers, and red sauce with Ground Calabrian chili pepper from a friend in Italy.

Saturday was one of the most relaxing days I’ve had in a long time with only one thing on my schedule, to see A Ghost in a Shell at 4P at Landmark Century where I was to have a comp ticket. Took my lighter bike out for air and I did a lot of cooking and watched Shameless, and in the afternoon took the CTA to the theater where my ticket could not be found. I took advantage of my location and bought fixin’s for Jambalaya , Red Beans and Rice and, Gumbo. Again I doped myself up and had a very solid night of sleep.

30 minutes later

QS&L Portage IN

we take wings seriously

The Bucketlisters Adam Becvare, AZ, Dave Ganz and Bryant Bohne

Bohne at his entire bucket

10/9/2017 Portage IN Quaker Steak & Lube
Sunday morning after breakfast I made my way to the west loop to meet up with Adam Becvare who was landing on a flight from Pittsburgh at 1140A and we had plans to leave at 1230P to meet friends at Quaker Steak & Lube for the best wings around. Its out of the way but very much worth it. 
Adam interview: 
Adam buzzed me in around 1220P and I met his wife Mary and we were on our way. The expressway (Chicago shooting gallery) was a busy as the CTA. The weather was great and who could blame people for wanting to be out and about. When we arrived at our destination Bohne and Dave were waiting on us. Ironically Daves brother will of Phoenix AZ is also friends with Adam and I’ve been friends with Will since 1999 and he even contributed to MK ULTRA back in the day. It was great and we all ordered buckets of wings ($29) and enjoyed a few hours of conversation and a couple of beers. 
Adam and I traded a few of our rock n roll behind the scene stories as we did on the ride to and from Portage. He’s close with Cheap Trick and even shares the same management as them. Meanwhile Bohne was nearly silent as he went through on his threat to devour the entire bucket. He’s a big guy but still, WOW. I talked about taking a closer look at Ybor City FL with the desire to relocate there. Dave brought up how there aren’t many shows that go through there. I hinted that I’m just about done with that part of my life and with the money I’d save by not having the Chicago cost of living over my head could travel to gigs. I’m very serious about cashing in once I get a publishing deal for the MK ULTRA Story book. I also decided to make a few more changes on the cover art. 
The afternoon was nice. Our sever Natalie was excellent and we took our time since I wouldn’t have to catch the South shore Train home this time. I had a little more than a dozen wings leftover and ate a few with a glass of milk when I got home, Watched some more Shameless and went to sleep in teh living room watching the PBS series on the American West by Ken Burns. I planned to work from home on Monday which was also the Cubs 2017 home opener. 

Chicago as seen from Portage IN

 I went out at 10A with my other bike to get air in the tires and after a quick stop at the bank found the air pump was out of order. Great. I walked it over to the Nearly New Bikes and locked up up since they don’t open till noon. Came home and ordered new bike locks, lights and gloves as well as Hanoi Rocks – All Those Wasted Years Hardcover book. 

Newly translated into English and published in a gorgeous 348 page hardcover book featuring many rare and never seen before photos, Hanoi Rocks – All Those Wasted Years, is available now! 
The true story of Finnish glamrock superheroes, Hanoi Rocks – from birth to their early demise following the untimely death of drummer Razzle to their triumphant resurrection – as told by the band members themselves. 
Includes a bonus 7′ vinyl in a collectible cloth bag with two previously unreleased tracks from the band’s 1983-84 heyday. There’s also a personal note from Mr. Monroe. 
Picked up my bike, went to Jungle Jewel and next thing it’s mid afternoon. Now work requests have come in, the storm is approaching and its movie time. 

Heartbreaker, soul shaker I’ve been told about you Steamroller, midnight shoulder What they been saying’ must be true


My brothers 45th birthday

Booked the campsite in Wisconsin for the Memorial Day WeAkend trip

Put in my press request for the Blondie/garbage concert at Ravinia

Saw LOGAN finally. A great great film. Note: I HATE THE SEATS AT 600 N MICHIGAN AMC THEATER. I don’t need a big oversided recliner with a table top connected. 

So this happened as I was waiting for the feature presentation to come on.

A family of four sits in the row directly in front of me. Father in the aisle, son and daughter (under 12) between and the mother who was seated in the seat before me. I thought to myself, “children at an R-rated movie?” and witnessed the reaction throughout the R-Rated approved previews which included this trailer for the new release CHIPS.


As if the language wasn’t enough, as soon as the co-stars uttered “she ate my butt” and She ate your ass?” followed by “everyone’s eating everybody’s ass”, I thought the mother was going to have a heart attack. I couldn’t believe they didn’t up and leave and ask for a refund right there. Myself, I couldn’t help but snicker at the irony. Even myself had I been on a date would have felt embarrassment.

Logan itself wasn’t vulgar but there was lots of violence, plenty of explicatives, including a curse filled temper tantrum by our hero and some partial female nudity which also shocked the good mother.

All in all a great final chapter to the Wolverine legacy, a 3 picture series that would have been best suited R-Rated in its entirety but not ever suitable for children under 17. Parents let your children learn such language the old fashioned way, at school. Or for millennials, the internet. 

It makes me so sad going there anymore since Heaven on 7 closed that location. It was my favorite place in Chicago to dine, brunch, lunch or dinner. Now there’s nothing in that space. Note the inspiration of my own kitchen.

I’ve had some time to think especially after the incident at Reggie’s and all of the backstabbing I’ve encountered since. All of those people who I have for years indiscriminately supported, opened my home to, fed, housed etc and to see what they have to say about it sends a loud and clear message that I should have seen years ago. Now its over. Those days are gone and I’m keeping my close circle tight and nobody gets back in. The days of those big BBQ’s where I spend hours prepping, spending money and cleaning up are a thing of the past. I hope everyone enjoyed the ride. The ship has sailed and I’ll be much better off moving forward. In the end it really was just dead weight. 

As far as the incident, I look forward to having my say when the time comes. That’s all on that for now. 

Something I was thinking on my way into work today is that it’s somewhat an anolomoly when it comes to the mixture of pharmaceuticals I’m currently taking in order to succeed in a solid night of sleep. Surely it would kill most men. I can only assume that it’s that tolerance is what was behind the fact that when they injected me with a sedative for my colonoscopy last December that it didn’t put me out. I was wide awake and alert during the entire procedure. 

I finally located and touched base with Danny Lee Hill. I was worried sick about his well-being. He was laying low. I should take note. Actually I have. All I have on my calendar for next weekend is that long train ride to Quaker Steak & Lube for some of the tastiest chicken wings I’ve ever had. 

Last year with Dave Ganz and Bryant Bohne

At times like these when enemies can number more than friends. A friend indeed is what I need, not someone who pretends.

Sunday 3/26
Brunch with Emily and Morgen at Tac Quick
Monday 3/27
met Tom my CPA to finish my 2016 taxes
Lunch with Tom at Pho Viet

Friday 3/31 Mental Health WeAkend kickoff

Off work early and went to the Dr. Manlo since I was unable to get and appointment with Dr. Tong who I prefer. I got refills on Lisinopril, Trazadone and Sildenafil. I have enough Trazadone to get me through summer now. Combined with Melatonin 10MG and a simple OTC sleep aid I’ve found the perfect combo for a good solid night of sleep without alcohol.

in bed at 830pm slept till 815am almost 10 hrs of sleep

Everyone blew me off for seeing Logan and Ashely had to work at 4AM so I skipped. Later she called and asked if I was coming over and I explained why I wasn’t there. 
Dropped off laundry
CTA to Argyle to pick up Kenneth Cole watch
It was nice out and early and I witnessed a lot of black guys begging for money and yealling incoherently
back to laundry went to Walgreens to pick up Rx
finished laundry

Spent the afternoon cleaning and watching Shamless and the Rammstein in Amerika DVD and the Jim Jarmusch documentary Gimme Danger (the Stooges)

in bed at 830pm slept till 830am 10 great hours


The best lazy day in ages. Rolled out of bed and watched some Rammstein songs and then an episode of Shameless while sipping some very strong coffee. Made my bed and some lunch and then watched Kill Bill 2 and the the Batman R-Rated animated film The Killing Joke. Then I ordered from Byron’s Hot Dogs, one their biggest burgers they have - the Punisher which was 2 burgers, gyro meat, plus all the fixings. It was good. 

I crashed around 930P and slept till alarm. 




I first came here to order a watch band for my Kenneth Cole sports watch. They had many in stock and replaced it there in minutes. I returned to buy a watch they had for sale and came back to have the band on it switched out. Again the service was quick and the price agreeable. I would return again to have my Kenneth Cole watch repaired. It was only $85 and done in three days. I’m very happy with their service and am happy to have discovered New World a few months ago.

They also have many other gift items for sale and well as what appears to be many other watches including Movado’s which start around $800. Great shop, service and prices.

Rammstein in Amerika a live concert video album by German NDH-metal band Rammstein. It documents the sold out show the band played at Madison Square Garden in New York City, New York, along with footage recorded at the Bell Centre in Montreal, Quebec, Canada . It also contains two documentaries, regarding the band’s history with the United States, and the making of the album Liebe ist für alle da. 

The Jim Jarmusch documentary Gimme Danger based on the band The Stooges’. Incidentally my very first rock star autograph was from Iggy Pop. 

Had the graphic novel since 1988 and finally saw the DVD today. DC’s animation is great. Too bad the same can’t be said for their films as of late. Loved the first 2 Burton film treatments as well as Nolan trilogy.

My big top tricks will always make you happy But we all know the hat is wearing me My bag is in the hat, it’s filled with this and that My vision’s getting fat, the rabbit’s just a monkey in disguise Stars and pills and needles dance before our eyes

It was 82 degrees late afternoon Friday. By the time I left work at 530 and arrived at my destination 30 minutes later the temps dropped 20 degrees and the winds were whipping its wings.

Other than shop for myself I would need items for my Sunday night guests. Colossal shrimp, a cheese plate, a variety of spicy pickles, jalapeno stuffed olives and the best mustard available. The alcohol would wait.

I watched some episodes of Shameless and Dale and Anne arrived just around 10:15P and we watched TV together, chatted and I hit the sack planning up getting up early to do laundry. When I woke it was chilly and rainy and I said “fuck it” as it would have to wait and I showered and made coffee for my guests as we killed 2 hours before heading out for lunch. 

” I was gifted with these pickles”

I took Dale and Anne to at lunch at Pho Viet, 4941 N Broadway St, Chicago. As usual I had the appetizer sampler; 4 Spring roll w/ 4 shrimp & 4 pork skin spring roll, 4 fried egg roll, 4 fried shrimp cake, pork, 4 grilled beef. Served w. lettuce, cucumber mints, steam rice noodle, hoisin peanut sauce, sweet & sour fish sauce. And followed that goodness up with a big bowl of Mi Tom Cua (Egg noodles w. shrimp & crab meat) which nice nice on my sore throat. Then we went to Chiu Quon Bakery, 1127 W Argyle, around the corner and I picked up some nice Asian breakfast rolls and a few big cookies. (total: my fave # $7.14). Afterwards I dropped my Kenneth Cole watch off for repair at New World Watch, 1038 W Argyle and will picked it up next Saturday ($85). Then we went to Viet Hoa Plaza, 1038 W Argyle St, where I bought some fresh produce and some ginger chews for my throat.

Chiu Quon Bakery


On the way home we stopped at the nice new ROSS store, 918 W Montrose Ave, that just opened in my neighborhood and I priced some new Kenneth Cole luggage and some new kitchenware I’ll be needing and then across the street to Jungle Jewel where I bought some wine, sangria and fixin’s for margaritas for my lady guests who are coming tomorrow afternoon and tomorrow evening. There were very some good deals so I bought much more than planned. It’s all good in the end.

Dale dropped me off and as they go out shopping I’m going to chill at home and get ready for a long night at Reggie’s. I have a big day planned tomorrow as well so I’m gonna need a little more downtime than usual. I’ll be picking up some Misery Machine t-shirts for Khe Khe and Fang that I’ll be gifting them with tomorrow.

Speaking up gifting. Dale gifted me with 2 large jars of pickles when he arrived last night.

Testosterone and Pyrotechnics


Testosterone and Pyrotechnics. Those were the words that came to mind as I witnessed Swedish director Jonas Åkerlund’s 98 minute testament to the  live spectactal of a RAMMSTEIN concert. Of course I’ve seen them in concert and there’s nothing else that even comes close to a show of this production, skill and precision. But this version and the quick editing and a few of the digital special effects expanded my mind. It was mind blowing.

I was joined by Michael X. Christian whose band Misery Machine is playing part of that SOLD OUT show at Reggies tomorrow night and Invisible Record’s / Martin Atkins alum Bill aka Vas O Agnostos who just returned from SXSW and offered to lend a hand in creating the MK ULTRA book. 

The DVD comes out in May and I’m going to buy it the day it ships. As for now I have a very busy weekend in front of me that begins with Dale and Anne arrving this evening. 

Wenn getanzt wird, will ich führen Auch wenn ihr euch alleine dreht Lässt euch ein wenig kontrollieren Ich zeige euch wie´s richtig geht Wir bilden einen lieben Reigen Die Freiheit spielt auf allen Geigen, Musik kommt aus dem Weißen Haus, Und vor Paris steht Mickey Maus

The last time I was at the Music Box was New Year’s Eve 2015/2016 and I saw the Hateful 8 and it was brutally cold and I was painfully crippled. The time before was to see The Human Centipede 3 at a late night showing. For a few years before that I practically lived at this place for all of the 3 day long horror film fests and once had Tura Satana appear at the showing of Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (just before she passed away) and spent some time with the great Crispin Glover after his indie movie showings which followed a long afternoon we spent dining at the House of Blues. I have so many great memories of this place which is actually walking distance from my home.

Thursday I’ll see the one night only showing of the Rammstein “Paris” concert film with my good friend Michael X. Christian. I much more appreciate these old movie houses in comparison to the newer mutliplex options. Plus, never really many kids to annoy me.